“Tabling the Debate”

Maybe you’re like me, and find yourself confused after watching political talk shows on TV. In the kind of balanced, civilized debate you’d expect in an advanced democratic society, carefully-selected department store mannequins representing the liberal perspective square off against badly-disguised attack dogs representing the conservative point of view. (“Karl Rove” is actually a Rottweiler; the name is a corrupted version of the command “Kill, Rover.”) While you’re waiting for the debate to be interrupted by beer commercials full of beautiful girls who love playing in the mud and drinking light beers—wait a minute, that’s Sunday afternoons—these debaters keep interrupting each other right in the middle of their top-of-the-lungs, ten-minute-long abusive rants. How rude can you get?

The result is that, after doing my public duty to understand these issues of grave national importance, I now understand how people can actually read People magazine instead or switch channels and watch a bowling match. What I don’t understand is whatever topic these guys were using to practice their Public Yelling. You just have to figure it out yourself, if the media won’t help. Thank God for the Internet, which has enabled me to research ancient history, almost back before the memory of humankind—say five or six years ago—without the physical stress of turning the pages of a book.

So let’s begin with an easy topic, Gulf War II—originally given the snappy name Operation Iraqi Liberation (OIL), but later changed to Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF. OIF?) —and review the opposing positions taken by liberals and conservatives:


Liberal Position
1a. There’s no good evidence that Saddam Hussein had anything to do with Sept. 11. Conservative Position
Saddam Hussein plotted with al Qaeda to launch the Sept. 11 attacks, and we can prove it.
Outcome
Mr. Bush eventually concedes that Saddam Hussein had no connection to the Sept. 11 attacks.

Liberal Position
1b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
Saddam Hussein was a bad man.
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.

Liberal Position
2a. There’s no good evidence that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction (WMD).
Conservative Position
We have evidence of specific WMD, including amounts and the sites where they’re produced and stored.
Outcome
After exhaustive search, no WMD found.

Liberal Position
2b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
Did we mention that we want Iraq to become a model Middle East democracy?
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.

Liberal Position
3a. There’s no good evidence that Iraq was trying to buy uranium from Niger.
Conservative Position
Iraq was buying uranium ore from Niger and aluminum rods to be used in nuclear centrifuges.
Outcome
Uranium ore story discredited; rods turn out to be parts for conventional rockets.

Liberal Position
3b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
Joseph Wilson’s wife is an undercover CIA agent.
Outcome
That’ll teach you to contradict me in public!

Liberal Position
4a. Lots of people will get killed.
Conservative Position
No sweat.
Outcome
President lands on aircraft carrier in front of “Mission Accomplished!” sign, declares active hostilities at an end.

Liberal Position
4b. 1,800 US soldiers, 25,000 to 100,000 Iraqis killed; death toll still climbing.
Conservative Position
No pictures of corpses allowed; Iraqi dead don’t count.
Outcome
Administration says, “We didn’t put that sign up.”

Liberal Position
5a. The war will be really expensive.
Conservative Position
We’ll sell Iraqi oil; the war will almost pay for itself.
Outcome
Surprise! War costs $208 billion so far, with no end in sight.

Liberal Position
5b. This war is really expensive!
Conservative Position
If you don’t sign this blank check, you’re unpatriotic.
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.

Liberal Position
6a. You need a plan for the aftermath.
Conservative Position
Let’s just get this war started, and quit standing around.
Outcome
Chaos. Offices, factories, museums, libraries, schools, archaeological sites looted and destroyed. Arms depots are left unguarded and looted.

Liberal Position
6b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
If you criticize the war effort, you’re unpatriotic.
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.

Liberal Position
7. The war is illegal because it violates both international law and the UN Charter.
Conservative Position
Who cares? The President can do whatever he wants in the name of national security.
Outcome
President does whatever he wants, and says it’s because of national security.

Liberal Position
8a. Intelligence is being manipulated to justify an invasion.
Conservative Position
Intelligence is sound, situation critical. “Bush bashers” hate the President, would vote for Saddam Hussein instead, given a chance.
Outcome
How did we go wrong? Intelligence was “seriously flawed.” (See nos. 1-6 above). Big-name panels created to find problem, but administration specifically excludes political pressure as factor to be investigated.

Liberal Position
8b. Downing Street memos, printed in London Times, prove intelligence was being manipulated to justify an invasion.
Conservative Position
What memos?
Outcome
Corporate media in US unite to bury huge story for month and a half.
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win…. Wait!

Liberal Position
8c. Downing Street memos finally surface in mainstream media, show intelligence was being “fixed around” justifying an invasion.
Conservative Position
Downing Street memos are “vague” and “old news.”
Outcome
Public can’t find Downing Street, falls asleep waiting for commercials with beautiful girls who like playing in the mud and drinking light beers. Conservatives turn out to like playing in the mud too.