Monday, January 16, 2006

“How Was Your Day?”

Wife [Giving husband an obligatory peck on the cheek]: “How was your day at the office, dear?”

Husband [Handing coat to her]: “It’s not like I work in just any office, honey. It’s the White House. It’s my job to protect the most important human being on the planet. Every day the weight of the world is on my shoulders. [Glances around the living room] Say, is that armchair out of line? You must not have gotten it back in its place when you vacuumed this morning.” [Walks over and turns it a fraction of an inch]

Wife [Gritting her teeth as she hangs up his coat]: “So, anything new at work?”

Husband: “I’ll say! The President blew his top today. I’ve never seen him so upset.”

Wife [Reaching for husband’s necktie]: “What got into him?”

Husband [Grabbing tie]: “That’s okay, I’ll take care of my tie. [Chuckles] You’re such a klutz! Last time you helped me off with it, you got confused and tightened it instead of loosening it. You almost strangled me! [They both give a light laugh at the absurdity of it all.] Have you fed the fish yet? No? You’ve got a memory like a sieve. That’s alright, you can do it after supper.”

Wife: “Sorry about the fish. I’ll add it to my list. What was the President upset about?”

Husband [Grabbing her wrist]: “Here, I’ll get my shoulder holster off myself.
Remember when you tried to help me with it and the gun accidentally went off?
Somebody could have been hurt! I’ll just put it in my gun safe.”

Wife [Snaps her fingers behind his back]: “You were saying that the President….”

Husband: “Oh, yeah. The Vice-President brought him in copies of news reports that the CIA has been kidnapping people, flying them to remote prisons in foreign countries, and torturing them.”

Wife: “How horrible!”

Husband: “It sure is. And the President felt the same way. He was just livid. His face turned as red as the stripes on the flag. He said he’d be damned if such an outrage would go unpunished on his watch. He went on and on about it. He swears he’s going to find out who leaked that story if it’s the last thing he does. Say, run the bath water for me, will you? I’d like to soak a little before supper. And would you unplug that hair dryer and the radio you sat on the edge? If those fell in the water, somebody could get electrocuted.”

Wife [Flinches]: “I’ll see to it, dear. Did anything else exciting happen at work?”

Husband: “Yep. The President just had a bad day. Shortly after the Vice-President left, the Attorney General [Attorney General] came storming in with a
newspaper headline saying that the National Security Agency has been illegally
eavesdropping on thousands—maybe millions—of American citizens.”

Wife: “That’s detestable!”

Husband: “The President thought so too. He stormed around and threw
things and said he’d have somebody’s head. Said whoever was responsible for that leak would be imprisoned so long he’d think he was buried alive.”

Wife: “I’m glad the President has you protecting him.”

Husband: “Thanks, sweetheart. Say, you missed a spot on the end table here when you were polishing the furniture.”

Wife: “Did I? I’m such a dummy. I’ll get it while you’re taking your bath.”

Husband: “Let’s see, you were asking if anything else exciting happened today. In fact, there was another big dustup. The Secretary of Defense brought in some news photos of U.S. troops setting dogs on helpless Iraqi prisoners, forcing them into huge piles of naked bodies, attaching electrodes to their genitals, and laughing about it!”

Wife: “That’s sickening!”

Husband: “Those were the President’s exact words. He said he’d make an example of that newspaper so anybody else would think twice about printing an exposế like that.”

Wife: “Why don’t we go out in the kitchen, and you can finish telling me about your day while I carve the roast.”

Husband [Heartily]: “Better let me handle that roast. Remember the last time you carved one? Just as I was pointing out that you were making the slices too thick, your hand slipped. We were really lucky that time. The doc in the emergency room said the point of the knife only missed my heart by half an inch. Say, is that a streak on the window pane?”

Wife: “I’ll check it out. Here, I fixed you a martini. You can drink it while you’re cutting the meat.”

Husband [Jocularly]: “Well, you’re far from perfect, but you’re getting better. [Takes a large sip] Honey, you’d better check the vermouth; this drink has a little bit of a funny taste to it.” [Takes another sip as he cuts thin slices from the roast]

© Tony Russell, 2006

No comments: