“Bush’s Brain to Be Removed”

WHITE HOUSE: BUSH’S BRAIN TO BE REMOVED

Washington, May 15 -
The White House announced today that President Bush will be undergoing what it terms a “minor surgical procedure” for the removal of Bush’s brain. The surgery is “normal health care maintenance” and “simply a precaution,” said press secretary Tony Snow.

Patrick Fitzgerald, the surgeon heading up the brain removal team, explains that the removal will relieve cranial congestion. “It’s a common mistake,” said Fitzgerald, “to speak of ‘Bush’s brain’ in the singular. The president’s skull actually contains three separate ‘brains’—the brain we will be removing; a second brain, which we call ‘Cheney,’ that exercises enormous control over major presidential functions; and, thirdly, the president’s original or ‘birth brain.’ The second brain will probably expand somewhat as new space becomes available. The original brain is rigid and difficult to penetrate from outside, and we doubt the operation will have much impact on it organically.”

Despite White House descriptions of the procedure as ‘routine,’ Fitzgerald sounds a note of caution about the risks involved.

“The brain we are removing is tricky,” he says. “Surgery will be complicated by the vast number of tentacles the brain has branching throughout the entire system. In addition, the brain has been leaking dirt into the media and infecting the body politic. We have to guard against the possibility that it has undermined not just the president’s political health, but that of our democracy in general.”

Since rumors of the procedure began to circulate, speculation has focused on two questions: Can the president continue to function normally without his brain? and Is it possible for the brain to continue to devise plans for the president and then have them carried out by remote control?

The White House has moved swiftly to address the first question, with his press secretary assuring that the president will be back on the job the day after the removal. “He may feel some minor political discomfort,” said Snow, “but it will not affect his ability to perform his presidential duties.”

Other observers suggest that the president’s brain has long been dysfunctional, and that losing it will result in fewer changes than expected. Charles Liddy, of the Mussolini Society think tank, notes that the brain functioned brilliantly on the political side, seizing control of all the major institutions of government, but was stunningly incompetent when it came to delivering any actual government services.

Liddy goes on to argue that there is, in fact, a direct link between the seizures and the government’s paralysis. “Just look at the way the president has lurched in the polls,” he says. “You can tell a lot from the way a person walks. It’s obvious there’s an issue with his central nervous system. His wiring just hasn’t been working right.”

Opinions are sharply divided as to whether the president’s brain can continue to do his planning from a distance,. Republican senator Trent Lott sees no reason why the brain cannot continue to operate while it roves outside the White House fence. “It’s absurd to think that the brain actually has to be on site. The brain has numerous pathways to transmit its impulses,” he points out.

Post-operation plans for the brain are uncertain, however. No alternative host has stepped forward to request the organ, and it may simply be cooled in a cell until a compatible recipient can be found.

Political hopefuls who are interested in becoming transplant hosts can submit samples of their own brain matter for an issue match.

© Tony Russell, 2006