“Congressional Candy Company Commences Clearance Campaign”

Writer’s note: This is a slightly modified version of a column that originally ran several years ago.  Unfortunately, the issue appears timeless.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Radio ad: Congressional Candy Company Commences Clearance Campaign

Directions: Read breathlessly, just below shouting pitch.

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Midterm elections are only days away, and the Congressional Candy Company is staging a once-in-a-lifetime sales event! Members locked in tight races as well as those trailing badly in the polls have joined together to bring you this unprecedented clearance sale! Prices will never be lower! Pay just pennies on the dollar! Take advantage of these gigantic savings now!

Prices have been slashed to the bone on items such as:

· Sugar and tobacco subsidies!

· Highway construction funds!

· Timbering, drilling, and mining permits in national parks and forests!

· Tax breaks for your firm or industry!

· Grazing rights on range land!

· Water diversion for irrigation, development, and industrial expansion!

· Oil drilling in pristine areas and wildlife refuges!

· Defense contracts!

· Drainage and development of coastal wetlands!

· Deregulation!

· Maintaining high fuel consumption standards!

· Licenses for the emission or discharge of pollutants!

· Broadcasting licenses and market monopolies!

· Unneeded military bases!

· Federal judgeships

· No-bid, no-risk construction contracts!

· Mercenary assignments in Iraq and Afghanistan!

Yes, you heard me right! All of these things and more are for sale at unheard of low prices! This is just a sampling of the items available in our mammoth national warehouse! They won’t last long at these prices! Call our congressional offices today to see what is available in your area! 

Is your accountant a nuisance about traceable purchases of influence?

Not to worry! No cash needed! We accept:

· Seats on your Board of Directors!

· Lobbying assignments for your industry!

· Positions at think tanks!

· Endowed chairs at colleges and universities!

· Jobs for our spouses and children (Sorry, $60,000 minimum applies.)!

· Use of yachts and private jets!

· Golf outings!

· Presidencies of foundations and universities

· Bulk orders of our memoirs!

And that’s only the beginning! Let your imagination run wild!. Surprise us with what you have to offer! Make us YOUR candy store—CONGRESS! “How sweet it is!”

© Tony Russell, 2010