Monday, August 19, 2013

The News We Choose

Blonde TV anchor, reading from TelePrompTer:  “FAX News brings you ‘the news we choose,’ deranged, estranged, and rearranged.  Tonight’s major story:  Sindy Singer back in the headlines again.  We take you to Hollywood, where our top investigative reporter, Ben Gall, has been following the story closely.  Ben, what can you tell us about Sindy’s latest escapade?”

Reporter, wearing a tan topcoat and holding a FAX mike:  “Well, Arlene, fans of starlet Sindy Singer were stunned last night, at precisely 8:23 PM, when the young actress, famous for her highly-publicized drug-and-alcohol-fueled tantrums, fights, arrests, stints in rehab, and relapses, slipped out of the limousine at the premiere of her newest film.  

“Photographers, poised to catch a photo revealing that she was sans undergarment, were left with their mouths agape as her knee-length dress rose only an inch or so above her kneecap.  Even more shocking, as you can see in this accompanying video, her non-transparent dress completely covered  her breasts.  

“Ms. Singer, who appeared not to be intoxicated or under the influence of recreational chemicals of any kind, simply waved to fans, said “Hi,” and walked without assistance into the theater.  She was accompanied by her married co-star, with whom she is rumored not to be having an affair.

“Ms. Singer’s publicity agents were quick to respond to the incident, claiming the failure of her dress to slide below mid-breast and above her hip joints was a ‘wardrobe malfunction of colossal proportions,’ and apologized to the public.  Fans outside the theater, some of whom had been waiting for as long as three hours to see the actress in the flesh--or perhaps just to see her flesh--described themselves as feeling ‘cheated.‘  One disgusted man, who asked to remain anonymous, complained, ‘Like, I went out and bought a new battery for my video camera and everything, and then she pulls a stunt like this.’

“Industry insiders say it’s still too early to tell what impact this shocking incident will have on Ms. Singer’s meteoric career.  In Hollywood, I’m Ben Gall, reporting for FAX News.”

TV anchor:  “Thanks, Ben.  We’ll be providing hourly updates on this breaking story, which is a FAX News exclusive.  The Huffington Post, Yahoo! News, the National Enquirer, and the National Examiner have all been scooped on this one, and are playing catchup.  In other headline news: 

  • Major league baseball will be expanding instant replay in 2014.
  • Today is the birthday of Lee Ann Womack, who won a Grammy Award for Best Country Song with “I Hope You Dance.”  She turns 46.   
  • President Obama failed to break par while golfing with comedian Larry David on Martha’s Vineyard, where the president is enjoying a weeklong vacation.
  • Rihanna flagged down a taxi in New York by baring her midriff.
  • World Wrestling Entertainment star Darren Young announced that he’s gay, claiming that ‘All sports are physical.’

“That’s the news you can use!  You’re on top of the stories your friends will be tweeting about.  Follow my Twitter feed throughout the day for more insights on major world events.

“And finally, today’s ‘Tidbit to Forget.’  The Natural Resources Defense Council reports that the U.S.’s top 40 cities will likely see 150,000 people die from heat stroke and other high-temperature maladies attributable to climate change by the end of this century.  [Smiles perkily]  Isn’t that a bummer for the kids and grandkids!?  [Ad-libs afterthought]  Well, really, for everybody that comes after us.  [Remembers to recover cheerfulness]  In the meantime, get out and enjoy this cool weather while you can!

“Join us again at 11, when we’ll have the latest on the Sindy Singer saga that has the country buzzing, as well as the other ‘news we choose.’  I’m Arlene Adkins, for FAX News.”

© Tony Russell, 2013

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