Doesn’t the Pope Realize It’s Football Season?

       “A person could perish of entertainment....” 

         - Garrison Keillor

“Did you see that the Pope has called for people around the world to get together for a day of prayer and fasting this Saturday?” asked my neighbor Harmon, looking up from his newspaper.

“Guess I missed that,” I said.  “What’s that about?  On Saturday, you said?” 

“Looks as if it’s in response to the fighting in Syria, and maybe to Obama’s wanting to launch an attack against Assad.”  

“Doesn’t the Pope realize it’s football season?”

“According to this, Francis says that you don’t build peace with a culture of confrontation or a culture of conflict.  He says we have to promote a culture of encounter and dialogue instead.”

“You won’t win many games that way, Harmon,” I said, shaking my head.  “A team has to have an edge to it.  A bit of a nasty streak.  Play smash-mouth football.  Say, when you’re finished reading that, could I see the sports section?”

“Sure,” he said, continuing to scan the article.  “One of the comments here says Francis is acting as the ‘pontiff’--it means ‘bridge.’  He’s trying to bridge the gaps between people, to bring us together.”

“The tailgate party is before the game, Harmon, not after the whistle blows.”

“I think he has something different in mind, Ace.  He’s calling for a gathering in Saint Peter’s Square, from 7 PM to midnight, to ask God for the gift of peace, not just in Syria, but everywhere there’s conflict and violence.”

“From 7 PM to midnight?  That’s a five hour time slot.  And I thought it was bad when TV turned an hour-long football game into a three-and-a-half-hour marathon of commercials.  How’s he going to keep people entertained for that long?” 

“Five hours to focus the world’s attention on preventing the pain and suffering of an expanded war doesn’t seem like that much to ask.”

“You’ve got to keep things in perspective, Harmon,” I said.  “He’s getting some bad advice on his scheduling.  The evening games on Saturday are the big headliners. West Virginia has a road game at Oklahoma that starts at 7, and Notre Dame plays Michigan at 8.  That’s really going to cut into his audience.”

“Rome’s in a different time zone, Ace.  There’s a... let’s see, six hour difference, so midnight there will be 6 PM here.  The event in Rome will be over before those games begin.” 

“Thank God for that,” I said, breathing a sigh of relief.  “Notre Dame and Michigan are both ranked in the Top Twenty.  Do you think this rally in Rome will distract Notre Dame?”

“Funny you should mention Notre Dame.  Saturday is the vigil of the birth of Mary.  He calls her the Queen of Peace.  And ‘rally’ isn’t quite the right word, Ace.  This event he’s putting together isn’t a pep rally for one side or the other.  He wants people to approach the gathering in a spirit of penance.”

“Isn’t he afraid that will hurt the tailgating experience?  And cut into beer sales?”

“Not when he’s trying to get people to focus on the fact that an expanded war will mean more kidnapping and torturing, more shooting and bombing, more widows and orphans.  It’s a reminder of our own responsibility to help shape a more peaceful world.”

I was still thinking about the scheduling.  “You know,” I said, “UVA plays Oregon at 3:30, and Oregon is ranked third in the country.  If he’s starting at 1 PM our time, he’s going to run well into the second half of that game.”

“Maybe people can record it and watch it later, Ace.  Besides, let’s face it, there are plenty of games on a zillion channels from noon to midnight.  Plus there’s Monday night football, Thursday night football, Friday night football, all day Saturday football, and the pros all day Sunday.  The stations run replays of a lot of the best games.  You can even watch them with an app on your iPhone.  And if you miss one game, there are plenty more.”

“It’s not the same as watching a team you care about while it’s happening, Harmon.  You just don’t get the same tension, the same excitement as when you’re watching live.  Then every snap matters, the outcome is in doubt, and you’re waiting to see if somebody can step up, make a play, and turn the whole game around.”

© Tony Russell, 2013

Remember Why They’re Out There

       Steve Spurrier, while  football coach at Florida, telling  

        Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had

        destroyed 20 books.  "But the real tragedy was that 15

        hadn't been colored in yet."

Reporter #1:   “Ozzie, you said that poor conditioning was a factor in your decision to make a coaching change.”

AD: “That’s a good question, Greg.  Well, not a question, just a restatement of my statement, but it’s a good one.”

Reporter #1: “And your answer to your statement?”

AD:  “Oh, yeah.  I firmly believe that players representing our great university ought to have the stamina to remain awake and upright for the full two hours of commercial breaks during a football game.”

 Reporter #1: “Are you saying that your team isn’t prepared to stand around for four quarters?”

AD: “Our players haven’t been adequately conditioned to spend endless minutes doing nothing.   Opponents have consistently outstood us in the second half.  By the fourth quarter, our guys’ legs are gone.”

Reporter #2: “What do you base that on, Ozzie?”

AD: “Come on, Mickey, you’ve seen it yourself.  We have players tweeting, other players checking their iPhones and Blackberries for messages, guys posting on Facebook, some guys listening to hip hop with their headphones.  But at least those guys are awake.  After we kicked a field goal in last night’s game, seven members of our kickoff team lay down on the turf during the five-minute commercial break, and three had to be awakened, including our kicker.  Imagine how embarrassing that was on national TV.” 

Reporter #2: “More embarrassing than the score?”

AD: “No question, Mickey.  These guys have to remember why they’re out there.”

Reporter #3: “To play the game?”

AD: “Come on, Jack.  Your average game broadcast is three-and-a-half-hours long, for a game that takes 60 minutes to play.  Commercials have a two-to-one edge in screen time over game action.  You tell me which is more important.”

Reporter #2: “Help me out here, Ozzie.  Are you embarrassed that the game has become nothing more than a vehicle for commercials, or what?”

AD: “What. Our conference has a new 15-year $2.25 billion contract with the network, and our school’s cut will be roughly $17 million per year.  Our guys are out there to attract viewers for commercials.  What kind of statement does it make when they doze off during the fourteenth run of an ad for Sprint?”

Reporter #4: “But there’s no financial incentive for the players in that arrangement.”

AD: “We think our quarterback and tailback are compensated as well as any players in the country.  That’s off the record, of course; officially, they play for pride.”

Reporter #3: “Your new hire, Coach Hooker, has a reputation as a no-nonsense guy.  Do you think he can turn this team around?”

AD: “They don’t have to be turned around, Jack.  They just have to stand there.  But Coach Hooker is an innovator.  His teams have been at the top of the ‘standings’ everywhere he’s been.”

Reporter #4: “How does he do it, Ozzie?  Has he developed some special drills or exercises?”

AD: “Coach Hooker is an ‘opportunist‘ in the best sense of the word, Mike, if there is a best sense.  He takes his guys to the Post Office to mail packages.  Has them  wait to checkout at Sam’s Club.  Get in line at the Social Security office.  Try to change a course during registration each term.  Check on their scholarship at the Financial Aid office.  At the end of six weeks of these drills, his guys stand as if their shoes were glued to the turf, their eyes vacant, their minds going nowhere.”

Reporter #!: “So they’ll be prepared for life after football, if they don’t make it to the NFL?”

AD: “No doubt about it.  Our guys will be ready for the unemployment line.”

© Tony Russell, 2010

“Chinese in Less Than Thirty Days”

Of Principalities and Powers ~ “Chinese in Less Than Thirty Days”


Washington, September 6 -
At a joint press conference held in the White House today, Education Secretary Margaret Spellings, flanked by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and NCAA President Myles Brand, announced a major new initiative to promote language skills.

Secretary Spellings said, “Historically, America’s students have lagged far behind the rest of the world in learning foreign languages. Indeed, our inability to read or comprehend what the rest of the world is saying may be an important factor in why we have so much trouble valuing other people’s viewpoints and cultures.

“Therefore, it gives me great pride to announce that, starting with the 2008 season, all radio and TV coverage of both NFL and NCAA football will be available only in Spanish, French, Russian, or Chinese.”

Secretary Spellings explained that, given the vast viewership of these contests, the passionate involvement of their listeners and viewers, and the staggering repetitiveness of the descriptions and accounts of the games, they present an almost ideal forum for teaching language skills.

“Consider this,” she said. “If you watch fifteen hours of football a week for twenty weeks—and our research shows that is a low figure for the typical fan—how many times will you hear a broadcaster say, ‘He is some kind of player’? According to our statisticians, at least 1,200 repetitions—enough for even the slowest learner to pick up the phrase. Soon, in millions of bars and living rooms all over the United States, one viewer with his eyes glued to the set will be telling another, ‘Él es un tipo de jugador,’ without even thinking about it. At any level.”

She added, “Research shows that 95% of football coverage—excluding the names of players, coaches, and products advertised on the shows—can be mastered with a vocabulary of 400 words or less and fewer than 20 phrases. (‘That tackle saved a touchdown.’ [‘Ce tacle a sauvé un atterrissage.’] ‘The try for extra point is good.’ [‘El intento de el punto suplementario está bien.’] ‘He’s brought down after a one-yard gain.’ [‘Il est déprimé après une augmentation d'une yard.’] ‘So-and-so drops back to pass. Here comes the blitz.’ [‘Он роняет, чтобы пройти. Здесь прибывает блиц.’ Etc.) We expect the normal fan to be football fluent in French, Spanish, Chinese, whatever, in less than thirty days.”

President Brand pointed out that the language benefits conferred by watching football, while seemingly confined to a minor area of life, would actually meet up to 90% of the daily conversational needs of the typical football fan. The real challenge, he said, would be to find a way to extend those benefits to women and to active adults of both genders.

In the question-and-answer session which followed, Commissioner Goodell acknowledged that commercial breaks, which take up approximately 60% of air time during game coverage, will continue to be in English. “But we still think that an hour and a half’s worth of language instruction in a three and a half hour broadcast is a viable educational tool.”

When another reporter asked if using televised games to overcome educational deficiencies was a revolutionary new concept, the Secretary pointed to groundbreaking work by Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, and Captain Kangaroo.

© Tony Russell, 2007