CLEANING LADY QUESTIONED IN DISAPPEARANCE OF ‘NOBLE CAUSE’
Washington, Sept. 8 –
FBI spokesman Alvin Smithers acknowledged today that agents have questioned Juanita Robinson, 38, a White House cleaning lady, in the disappearance of the “noble cause” which President Bush has frequently cited as the reason for the U.S. invasion and occupation of Iraq. Ms. Robinson is employed by a temp agency which the White House, in its privatization efforts, has contracted with to clean various government offices.
Smithers said, “Ms. Robinson is a person of interest in our ongoing investigation, but she has not been charged and is not being held at this time.” Robinson’s name was initially floated as a suspect in the case by administration officials anxious to assign responsibility for the missing “noble cause,” preferably to someone with no political connection to the White House. Interest in Ms. Robinson accelerated when her fingerprints were found on items on the President’s desk. An angry Ms. Robinson has vehemently denied any involvement in the disappearance of the missing “noble cause.”
“The only reason my fingerprints were on that autographed baseball and those other toys was I picked ‘em up to dust, and then put ‘em right back where I found ‘em,” said Ms. Robinson. “I didn’t take nothin’! The whole month of August, while the President was on vacation, I came in every day and dusted and vacuumed his office so it’d look nice when he came back. And this is the thanks I get!”
Ms. Robinson said, “I want to find that ‘noble cause’ just as much as anybody else. Maybe more. My oldest boy Malcolm’s in the Army, and he just got sent back from Iraq. He’s in Walter Reed right now for rehabilitation. He lost part of his right leg and his spleen and one of his kidneys when a roadside bomb exploded under the truck he was ridin’ in. Now Malcolm be tellin’ me there ain’t no ‘noble cause,’ an never was one. How could I take somethin’ that don’t even exist? And why would the President say there was a ‘noble cause’ if there wasn’t? I don’t understand politics, but this jes’ don’t seem right.”
Malcolm Robinson, Ms. Robinson’s son, is well-known in D.C. athletic circles. He was a track star in high school, and won several hurdle events in the district championships. According to Ms. Robinson, he gave up a college track scholarship to join the Army after the tragic events of September 11, saying that he wanted to defend his country from further attacks. The son is not a suspect in the disappearance of the “noble cause.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Monday, September 05, 2005
Searching for the ‘Noble Cause’
EMBARRASSED WHITE HOUSE ADMITS INABILITY TO FIND “NOBLE CAUSE”
Washington, Sept. 6 –
White House Spokesman Scott McClellan, in this morning’s press conference, admitted “with a great deal of embarrassment,” that the White House has been unable to locate the “noble cause” for which over 1,900 U.S. troops and perhaps 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died.
In response to a question from a reporter with the Hur Herald, McClellan said that White House officials, after a “thorough, extensive, and painstaking search” of administration offices, have found no trace of the missing cause. President Bush has repeatedly cited the “noble cause” as justification for the invasion and continued occupation of Iraq. When asked if the absence of a noble cause would affect the U.S.’s willingness to continue with the bloody, horrendously expensive conflict, McClellan replied that the President saw no reason to stop prosecuting the war while the search for the missing cause goes on.
The missing “noble cause” was last seen, McClellan said, in the office of Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, but Wolfowitz has disavowed any responsibility for the cause’s disappearance. “It was in Dick Cheney’s office, it was in Don Rumsfeld’s office, it was in Condi Rice’s office,” complained Wolfowitz. “Everybody in the administration had their hands on it at one time or another.”
“We are determined to get to the bottom of this,” declared McClellan, “and the search will continue until the cause is located.” Hopes have been raised on numerous occasions, but as each false sighting is ruled out, prospects for finding the cause—now missing for over three years—have grown increasingly slim.
McClellan read a brief statement from the President in which Mr. Bush said, “If any member of my administration acted wrongly or was involved in the disappearance of the noble cause, I will fire that person immediately, and he or she will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.” In the afternoon, the President issued a clarification, saying, “What I meant was that I would fire anyone who was convicted for the disappearance of the noble cause.”
Reacting to the announcement, media commentators immediately began comparing the vanished “noble cause” to the missing eighteen minutes on White House tapes during the Watergate investigations. When asked if the President had at any point had the “noble cause” in his possession, McClellan angrily responded, “This President is a manager and delegater. At no time did he personally touch the noble cause, and we deny categorically that he has any knowledge of or responsibility for its disappearance.”
First reactions to the disclosure have been mixed. Some officials have speculated that a White House cleaning lady may have inadvertently disposed of the “noble cause” while the President was at his Texas ranch for his most recent month-long vacation.
Congressional Republican staffers have announced a prayer breakfast tomorrow morning to pray for the speedy return of the missing cause. Other party loyalists have taken the position that the administration has been so busy trying to dismantle the remnants of the Great Society, shred the United Nations, promote state religion, and manage wars in Iraq and Afghanistan that the “noble cause” has simply been misplaced in the swirl of activity, and will—as one supporter put it—“turn up in somebody’s drawer, and then you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Washington, Sept. 6 –
White House Spokesman Scott McClellan, in this morning’s press conference, admitted “with a great deal of embarrassment,” that the White House has been unable to locate the “noble cause” for which over 1,900 U.S. troops and perhaps 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died.
In response to a question from a reporter with the Hur Herald, McClellan said that White House officials, after a “thorough, extensive, and painstaking search” of administration offices, have found no trace of the missing cause. President Bush has repeatedly cited the “noble cause” as justification for the invasion and continued occupation of Iraq. When asked if the absence of a noble cause would affect the U.S.’s willingness to continue with the bloody, horrendously expensive conflict, McClellan replied that the President saw no reason to stop prosecuting the war while the search for the missing cause goes on.
The missing “noble cause” was last seen, McClellan said, in the office of Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, but Wolfowitz has disavowed any responsibility for the cause’s disappearance. “It was in Dick Cheney’s office, it was in Don Rumsfeld’s office, it was in Condi Rice’s office,” complained Wolfowitz. “Everybody in the administration had their hands on it at one time or another.”
“We are determined to get to the bottom of this,” declared McClellan, “and the search will continue until the cause is located.” Hopes have been raised on numerous occasions, but as each false sighting is ruled out, prospects for finding the cause—now missing for over three years—have grown increasingly slim.
McClellan read a brief statement from the President in which Mr. Bush said, “If any member of my administration acted wrongly or was involved in the disappearance of the noble cause, I will fire that person immediately, and he or she will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.” In the afternoon, the President issued a clarification, saying, “What I meant was that I would fire anyone who was convicted for the disappearance of the noble cause.”
Reacting to the announcement, media commentators immediately began comparing the vanished “noble cause” to the missing eighteen minutes on White House tapes during the Watergate investigations. When asked if the President had at any point had the “noble cause” in his possession, McClellan angrily responded, “This President is a manager and delegater. At no time did he personally touch the noble cause, and we deny categorically that he has any knowledge of or responsibility for its disappearance.”
First reactions to the disclosure have been mixed. Some officials have speculated that a White House cleaning lady may have inadvertently disposed of the “noble cause” while the President was at his Texas ranch for his most recent month-long vacation.
Congressional Republican staffers have announced a prayer breakfast tomorrow morning to pray for the speedy return of the missing cause. Other party loyalists have taken the position that the administration has been so busy trying to dismantle the remnants of the Great Society, shred the United Nations, promote state religion, and manage wars in Iraq and Afghanistan that the “noble cause” has simply been misplaced in the swirl of activity, and will—as one supporter put it—“turn up in somebody’s drawer, and then you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
“A Winning Issue: The Search Continues”
Democratic headquarters had nearly emptied out, as staffers headed home to the suburbs or their Georgetown digs. Danny and Barb, who had stayed behind to go over the latest polling numbers on possible campaign issues, were the last ones left in the office. They were clearing off their desks when the cleaning lady maneuvered herself through the door, pushing a mop and a bucket in front of her while balancing the vacuum cleaner strapped to her back. “Hope I’m not interruptin’ anything,” she said. “I thought everybody was gone.”
“That’s okay, Juanita, go ahead and work around us,” said Danny. “We’re about to head out of here.”
“Is it still raining?” asked Barb. “I just had my hair done yesterday, and I’m afraid it’s going to get ruined.”
“Still rainin’,” said Juanita. “But not like down in Louisiana. I been trying to reach my sister to make sure she’s okay, but the lines must be down.”
“Gulf Coast oil supplies are going to be cut off for a good while,” said Danny thoughtfully. “The price of heating oil is going to go through the roof this winter!”
“Oh, Lord,” said Juanita. “I had to borrow money from my aunt to pay the heating bills last winter. I been workin’ two jobs, but seems like I just can’t get ahead when I’m only makin’ minimum wage. Hasn’t gone up since 1997!”
“Has it been that long?” said Danny curiously. “Gas and oil prices were only half then what they are now. If you’re not making any more now than you did then, you’ve lost a heck of a lot of ground.”
“I know the pressure you must be under,” sympathized Barb. My husband and I together barely make $100,000 a year, so I share your pain.”
“Why don’t you go on the budget plan?” said Danny. “That’s the way to go. It evens out your payments year ‘round.”
“Doesn’t make any difference if I’m on the budget plan,” said Juanita. “It can be too much for me to pay every month, twelve months a year, or it can be way too much four months a year. Why don’t they just put a lid on fuel prices, and say you can’t gouge people no more?”
“Why don’t you do what we’re going to do?” suggested Barb. “We’re going to put some solar panels on the roof. You can actually get a tax break for that, so it won’t end up costing that much.”
“’That was an important Democratic initiative,” said Danny. “Tax breaks encouraging solar energy. We just don’t get credit for a lot of our good ideas.”
“Huh,” said Juanita. “Didn’t notice I got any tax breaks. Rich folks get all kinds of tax breaks. Then they get their taxes cut. Now they wanta do away with the estate tax, and put more of the load on my back. It just ain’t right.”
“Something else we’re doing you might want to think about,” said Barb helpfully, “is a wood burning stove. Lots of experts are recommending them.”
“In a third-floor walkup in Washington, DC?” asked Juanita incredulously. “You think the landlord’s gonna let me install a wood burnin’ stove in my apartment? And what am I gonna burn? My furniture?”
“I guess that’s not too practical,” admitted Barb. “But how about double-pane windows? We’re putting them in every window in the house. They really cut heat loss.”
“My landlord don’t care nothin’ about double-pane windows,” said Juanita. “He don’t care nothin’ about windows. All he cares about is that rent check, and he better have it in his hand by the first of the month. Tenant’s responsible for the heating bill, so he don’t care how much the bill is.”
“That’s just terrible!” exclaimed Barb. “If I were you, I’d buy my own place, or find an apartment with more responsible management.”
“Yep,” said Juanita, “if you were me, I expect that’s what you’d do.”
“Well, see you tomorrow, Barb,” said Danny. “Maybe, after a good night’s sleep, some issue will jump out at us in the morning. There’s got to be something to show Democrats are champions of the common man.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
“That’s okay, Juanita, go ahead and work around us,” said Danny. “We’re about to head out of here.”
“Is it still raining?” asked Barb. “I just had my hair done yesterday, and I’m afraid it’s going to get ruined.”
“Still rainin’,” said Juanita. “But not like down in Louisiana. I been trying to reach my sister to make sure she’s okay, but the lines must be down.”
“Gulf Coast oil supplies are going to be cut off for a good while,” said Danny thoughtfully. “The price of heating oil is going to go through the roof this winter!”
“Oh, Lord,” said Juanita. “I had to borrow money from my aunt to pay the heating bills last winter. I been workin’ two jobs, but seems like I just can’t get ahead when I’m only makin’ minimum wage. Hasn’t gone up since 1997!”
“Has it been that long?” said Danny curiously. “Gas and oil prices were only half then what they are now. If you’re not making any more now than you did then, you’ve lost a heck of a lot of ground.”
“I know the pressure you must be under,” sympathized Barb. My husband and I together barely make $100,000 a year, so I share your pain.”
“Why don’t you go on the budget plan?” said Danny. “That’s the way to go. It evens out your payments year ‘round.”
“Doesn’t make any difference if I’m on the budget plan,” said Juanita. “It can be too much for me to pay every month, twelve months a year, or it can be way too much four months a year. Why don’t they just put a lid on fuel prices, and say you can’t gouge people no more?”
“Why don’t you do what we’re going to do?” suggested Barb. “We’re going to put some solar panels on the roof. You can actually get a tax break for that, so it won’t end up costing that much.”
“’That was an important Democratic initiative,” said Danny. “Tax breaks encouraging solar energy. We just don’t get credit for a lot of our good ideas.”
“Huh,” said Juanita. “Didn’t notice I got any tax breaks. Rich folks get all kinds of tax breaks. Then they get their taxes cut. Now they wanta do away with the estate tax, and put more of the load on my back. It just ain’t right.”
“Something else we’re doing you might want to think about,” said Barb helpfully, “is a wood burning stove. Lots of experts are recommending them.”
“In a third-floor walkup in Washington, DC?” asked Juanita incredulously. “You think the landlord’s gonna let me install a wood burnin’ stove in my apartment? And what am I gonna burn? My furniture?”
“I guess that’s not too practical,” admitted Barb. “But how about double-pane windows? We’re putting them in every window in the house. They really cut heat loss.”
“My landlord don’t care nothin’ about double-pane windows,” said Juanita. “He don’t care nothin’ about windows. All he cares about is that rent check, and he better have it in his hand by the first of the month. Tenant’s responsible for the heating bill, so he don’t care how much the bill is.”
“That’s just terrible!” exclaimed Barb. “If I were you, I’d buy my own place, or find an apartment with more responsible management.”
“Yep,” said Juanita, “if you were me, I expect that’s what you’d do.”
“Well, see you tomorrow, Barb,” said Danny. “Maybe, after a good night’s sleep, some issue will jump out at us in the morning. There’s got to be something to show Democrats are champions of the common man.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
“Urgent Reply Requested”
Warning: The following letter has been circulating on the Internet. Readers and voters are advised that the offer to share a $28 million deposit and the repeal of the estate tax are both scams.
Dear Friend,
Before I introduce myself, I wish to inform you that this letter is not a hoax mail and I urge you to treat it serious. Firstly, not to cause you embarrassment, I am G. W. Bush, a Politician and Businessman, the personal Advocate for many well to do Americans, Englishmen, and Saudi Arabians, herein after referred to as my base. I ask you please to understand this following event:
On the 21st of April 2001, a supporter and his wife with their three children were involved in an auto crash, all occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. My supporter was an oil magnet and philanthropist. Since his demise, I have made several enquiries to locate any of my supporter’s extended relatives: This has proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to contact you with this business partnership proposal.
I have contacted you to assist in recovering a huge amount of money left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Finance/Security Company where this huge deposit was lodged. The deceased had a deposit valued presently at $28 million US Dollars and the Company has issued me a notice to provide his next of kin or Beneficiary by Will, or otherwise the account is to be confiscated within the next thirty official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 4 Years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin / Will Beneficiary to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at $28 Million US dollars can be paid to you. This will be disbursed or shared in these percentages, 60% to me and 40% to you. I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest Co-operation, Confidentiality and Trust to enable us to see this transaction through.
Here is an additional part which will no doubt bring you much happiness in your heart. If my proposals for repealing the Estate Tax are enacted, you will not need to worry yourself about whether you can leave the remnants of your portion of $28 Million to your Heirs, at whatever time should unfortunately you decease. The Estate Tax raised an estimated $23.4 Billion US dollars last year for the US government. Repeal of the Estate Tax would benefit primarily those who hold large shares of Stocks and other Securities.
The Estate Tax applies only to very wealthy people, and keeping the Estate Tax could go far toward filling in the predicted Social Security shortfall. But you have my assurance I will not even consider continuing the Estate Tax to help save Social Security, and I have complete confidence you and other members of my base will award my Political Associates and myself with appropriate Campaign Contributions as a token of your gratitude for my efforts on your behalf.
If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal. You may not know this but people like myself who have made a tidy sum out of comparable situations run the whole public political sector.
I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my politics and avarice dictates that I make this move. Such opportunities only come ones way once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by. For once I find myself in total control of my destiny.
I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to work with me or alerting the voting public. I am the only one who knows of this situation, good fortune has blessed you with a name that has planted you into the center of relevance in my life. Lets share the blessing.
Please, provide me the following:
1. Your Full Name
2. Your Telephone Number and Fax Number
3. Your Contact Address.
4. Your Checking and Savings Account Numbers
Your urgent response will be highly anticipated and appreciated. Get in touch with me urgently by E-mail, and remember to support the repeal of the Estate Tax.
Best regards,
Advocate George W. Bush
Cc: Grover Norquist, Karl Rove
© Tony Russell, 2005
Dear Friend,
Before I introduce myself, I wish to inform you that this letter is not a hoax mail and I urge you to treat it serious. Firstly, not to cause you embarrassment, I am G. W. Bush, a Politician and Businessman, the personal Advocate for many well to do Americans, Englishmen, and Saudi Arabians, herein after referred to as my base. I ask you please to understand this following event:
On the 21st of April 2001, a supporter and his wife with their three children were involved in an auto crash, all occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. My supporter was an oil magnet and philanthropist. Since his demise, I have made several enquiries to locate any of my supporter’s extended relatives: This has proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to contact you with this business partnership proposal.
I have contacted you to assist in recovering a huge amount of money left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Finance/Security Company where this huge deposit was lodged. The deceased had a deposit valued presently at $28 million US Dollars and the Company has issued me a notice to provide his next of kin or Beneficiary by Will, or otherwise the account is to be confiscated within the next thirty official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 4 Years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin / Will Beneficiary to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at $28 Million US dollars can be paid to you. This will be disbursed or shared in these percentages, 60% to me and 40% to you. I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest Co-operation, Confidentiality and Trust to enable us to see this transaction through.
Here is an additional part which will no doubt bring you much happiness in your heart. If my proposals for repealing the Estate Tax are enacted, you will not need to worry yourself about whether you can leave the remnants of your portion of $28 Million to your Heirs, at whatever time should unfortunately you decease. The Estate Tax raised an estimated $23.4 Billion US dollars last year for the US government. Repeal of the Estate Tax would benefit primarily those who hold large shares of Stocks and other Securities.
The Estate Tax applies only to very wealthy people, and keeping the Estate Tax could go far toward filling in the predicted Social Security shortfall. But you have my assurance I will not even consider continuing the Estate Tax to help save Social Security, and I have complete confidence you and other members of my base will award my Political Associates and myself with appropriate Campaign Contributions as a token of your gratitude for my efforts on your behalf.
If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal. You may not know this but people like myself who have made a tidy sum out of comparable situations run the whole public political sector.
I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my politics and avarice dictates that I make this move. Such opportunities only come ones way once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by. For once I find myself in total control of my destiny.
I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to work with me or alerting the voting public. I am the only one who knows of this situation, good fortune has blessed you with a name that has planted you into the center of relevance in my life. Lets share the blessing.
Please, provide me the following:
1. Your Full Name
2. Your Telephone Number and Fax Number
3. Your Contact Address.
4. Your Checking and Savings Account Numbers
Your urgent response will be highly anticipated and appreciated. Get in touch with me urgently by E-mail, and remember to support the repeal of the Estate Tax.
Best regards,
Advocate George W. Bush
Cc: Grover Norquist, Karl Rove
© Tony Russell, 2005
Sunday, August 28, 2005
“God Should Have Finished Carrying Out My Prayer by 10 O’Clock”
“Morning, Reverend! Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
“That it is, that it is. ‘God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world,’ you know.”
“Looks like a busy schedule today, sir.”
“Yes, but the devil finds work for idle hands, eh? Oh, before I forget, I redirected Hurricane Katrina away from our headquarters. Put that on my list of things to mention on today’s broadcast, will you?”
“Certainly, sir. That will make three hurricanes you’ve turned away from headquarters now, won’t it?”
“Let’s see, I think that’s right. Yes. There was Hurricane Gloria in ’85, and then Felix in ’95.”
“Should I put out a press release on that?”
“Why don’t we wait, just to make sure God doesn’t change his mind. Right now it’s headed toward the Gulf Coast, so I think we’re okay. God should have finished carrying out my prayer by—oh, say 10 o’clock—and I can explain how I handled it on my 11 a.m. broadcast.”
[Aide makes note.] "Very good, Reverend. And have you decided what progressive social movement you’d like to focus your attack on today, so I can get the researchers moving?”
“I thought I’d lambaste feminists again. It’s been a while, and with this Cindy Sheehan thing, maybe it’s time to give them another good dose of divine wisdom.”
“Whatever you think is best, sir, but you covered it so thoroughly and memorably last time that, if you don’t mind my saying so, I’m not sure there’s much more to be said. ‘An anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians’—that pretty much says it all. That’s feminism to a ‘t.’”
“Maybe you’re right. Why don’t I just blame gays, lesbians, the ACLU, and People for the American Way for the September 11 attacks?”
“Reverend Falwell already did that, sir, and you agreed with him. Is there anybody new you would like to blame the attacks on?”
“How about Senator Byrd? He’s been giving the administration a hard time on their invasion of Iraq and their shredding of the Constitution, and he’s up for re-election.”
“Very good, Reverend. And how about today’s hit list? Who would you like to have murdered or assassinated today?”
“I don’t know. After all that flap about my calling for the assassination of Hugo Chavez last Monday on my “700 Club” broadcast, do you think it’s a good idea to go public with the hit list?”
“Maybe not, sir. Maybe if you just suggested again that the State Department should be nuked…?”
“I hate to keep repeating myself. Suppose I just suggest that we nuke Venezuela’s presidential palace?”
“Whatever God wants, Reverend. As you always say, the guiding principal of your life is Proverbs (3:5, 6), ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.’”
“You’re right. Let’s go with the nukes. Say, you don’t look as chipper as usual. Is something wrong?”
“Sorry, sir. It just upsets me when the Lord constantly directs your path, and then people call you a ’crackpot’ or a ‘nutcase.’ I tell them, ‘He happens to be in the middle of the political mainstream in the U.S. right now. This is the way good Christian Republicans think! He’s a vital part of the ‘culture of life’ President Bush praises, and he has enormous influence over this administration. In fact, if he hadn’t thrown his support to Bush rather than McCain, George W. Bush might not have won the South Carolina primary, which was the key to the nomination in 2000.’”
“You certainly let them have it, don’t you!”
“I sure do, Reverend. I tell them, ‘You’re talking about a man who came this close to winning the Republican nomination for President in 1988, a man whose Christian Broadcasting Network is seen in 180 countries and broadcast in 71 languages, a man who founded the Christian Coalition, a man so blessed by God that his Christian broadcasting and charity efforts and diamond mines have given him a net worth between two hundred million and a billion dollars. Now if that’s not proof that God has richly rewarded him, what is?’”
“I’m really touched by your loyalty; bless you. Make a note to have $10 a week added to your paycheck. It’s what God wants.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
“That it is, that it is. ‘God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world,’ you know.”
“Looks like a busy schedule today, sir.”
“Yes, but the devil finds work for idle hands, eh? Oh, before I forget, I redirected Hurricane Katrina away from our headquarters. Put that on my list of things to mention on today’s broadcast, will you?”
“Certainly, sir. That will make three hurricanes you’ve turned away from headquarters now, won’t it?”
“Let’s see, I think that’s right. Yes. There was Hurricane Gloria in ’85, and then Felix in ’95.”
“Should I put out a press release on that?”
“Why don’t we wait, just to make sure God doesn’t change his mind. Right now it’s headed toward the Gulf Coast, so I think we’re okay. God should have finished carrying out my prayer by—oh, say 10 o’clock—and I can explain how I handled it on my 11 a.m. broadcast.”
[Aide makes note.] "Very good, Reverend. And have you decided what progressive social movement you’d like to focus your attack on today, so I can get the researchers moving?”
“I thought I’d lambaste feminists again. It’s been a while, and with this Cindy Sheehan thing, maybe it’s time to give them another good dose of divine wisdom.”
“Whatever you think is best, sir, but you covered it so thoroughly and memorably last time that, if you don’t mind my saying so, I’m not sure there’s much more to be said. ‘An anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians’—that pretty much says it all. That’s feminism to a ‘t.’”
“Maybe you’re right. Why don’t I just blame gays, lesbians, the ACLU, and People for the American Way for the September 11 attacks?”
“Reverend Falwell already did that, sir, and you agreed with him. Is there anybody new you would like to blame the attacks on?”
“How about Senator Byrd? He’s been giving the administration a hard time on their invasion of Iraq and their shredding of the Constitution, and he’s up for re-election.”
“Very good, Reverend. And how about today’s hit list? Who would you like to have murdered or assassinated today?”
“I don’t know. After all that flap about my calling for the assassination of Hugo Chavez last Monday on my “700 Club” broadcast, do you think it’s a good idea to go public with the hit list?”
“Maybe not, sir. Maybe if you just suggested again that the State Department should be nuked…?”
“I hate to keep repeating myself. Suppose I just suggest that we nuke Venezuela’s presidential palace?”
“Whatever God wants, Reverend. As you always say, the guiding principal of your life is Proverbs (3:5, 6), ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.’”
“You’re right. Let’s go with the nukes. Say, you don’t look as chipper as usual. Is something wrong?”
“Sorry, sir. It just upsets me when the Lord constantly directs your path, and then people call you a ’crackpot’ or a ‘nutcase.’ I tell them, ‘He happens to be in the middle of the political mainstream in the U.S. right now. This is the way good Christian Republicans think! He’s a vital part of the ‘culture of life’ President Bush praises, and he has enormous influence over this administration. In fact, if he hadn’t thrown his support to Bush rather than McCain, George W. Bush might not have won the South Carolina primary, which was the key to the nomination in 2000.’”
“You certainly let them have it, don’t you!”
“I sure do, Reverend. I tell them, ‘You’re talking about a man who came this close to winning the Republican nomination for President in 1988, a man whose Christian Broadcasting Network is seen in 180 countries and broadcast in 71 languages, a man who founded the Christian Coalition, a man so blessed by God that his Christian broadcasting and charity efforts and diamond mines have given him a net worth between two hundred million and a billion dollars. Now if that’s not proof that God has richly rewarded him, what is?’”
“I’m really touched by your loyalty; bless you. Make a note to have $10 a week added to your paycheck. It’s what God wants.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Thursday, August 18, 2005
“Intelligence Failures”
“Orrin Hatch says Karl Rove is too smart to do something like reveal the identity of a CIA agent just to get even with her husband,” I said to Patty. “Everybody says Rove is a bright guy.”
Patty gave me a pitying look. “Ace,” she said, “just think about it for a minute. The assumption there is that smart people don’t do dumb things.”
“Uh huh,” I said. “Makes sense to me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said. “Just look at history. Nixon was winning re-election by a landslide. Would all those smart guys in his campaign do anything so stupid as to order a burglary of Democratic offices?”
“That’s different,” I said.
“Would Bill Clinton, one of the smartest men ever to be President, do something as unbelievably boneheaded as to have oral sex with an intern in the Oval Office?”
I squirmed a little. “That’s a special case,” I said.
“Would an intelligent man like Gary Hart, the leading contender for the Democratic nomination, dare reporters to follow him and see if he was having an affair?”
“That was a unique situation,” I said.
“Would a brainy lawyer like John Roberts deny he was a member of the Federalist Society, when anybody could get on the Internet and find out that he was on its steering committee?”
“That was just a slip,” I said.
“Would a bright guy like Dwight Eisenhower lie to the world about a spy plane the Soviets had shot down, when they could produce the pilot and show him to be a liar?”
“I’d forgotten about that,” I said. “That was a long time ago.”
“Would a master politician like Lyndon Johnson do something so obviously impossible as to keep expanding the war in Vietnam at the same time he was trying to fund a Great Society?”
“Okay, okay. Enough,” I said. “I get your point.”
“It’s about time,” she said.
“But Orrin Hatch is really an intelligent man,” I said. “He couldn’t be wrong about Karl Rove.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Patty gave me a pitying look. “Ace,” she said, “just think about it for a minute. The assumption there is that smart people don’t do dumb things.”
“Uh huh,” I said. “Makes sense to me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said. “Just look at history. Nixon was winning re-election by a landslide. Would all those smart guys in his campaign do anything so stupid as to order a burglary of Democratic offices?”
“That’s different,” I said.
“Would Bill Clinton, one of the smartest men ever to be President, do something as unbelievably boneheaded as to have oral sex with an intern in the Oval Office?”
I squirmed a little. “That’s a special case,” I said.
“Would an intelligent man like Gary Hart, the leading contender for the Democratic nomination, dare reporters to follow him and see if he was having an affair?”
“That was a unique situation,” I said.
“Would a brainy lawyer like John Roberts deny he was a member of the Federalist Society, when anybody could get on the Internet and find out that he was on its steering committee?”
“That was just a slip,” I said.
“Would a bright guy like Dwight Eisenhower lie to the world about a spy plane the Soviets had shot down, when they could produce the pilot and show him to be a liar?”
“I’d forgotten about that,” I said. “That was a long time ago.”
“Would a master politician like Lyndon Johnson do something so obviously impossible as to keep expanding the war in Vietnam at the same time he was trying to fund a Great Society?”
“Okay, okay. Enough,” I said. “I get your point.”
“It’s about time,” she said.
“But Orrin Hatch is really an intelligent man,” I said. “He couldn’t be wrong about Karl Rove.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
“Coming Up Short in the Longhorn State”
“I don’t get it, Patty,” I said. “Why is the President hiding from Cindy Sheehan?”
“Do you remember when you told me you were going to a lodge meeting, and I found out you were playing poker in Art’s garage?” she answered.
I winced. Some things are better off forgotten. And I don’t have any trouble at all forgetting them. But they’re permanently accessible in Patty’s memory bank. “Vaguely,” I said. “Why?”
“You lied and you hid,” she said. That’s Patty; no beating around the bush. “I had to drag you out from under the Morgans’ SUV. Then you pretended you were just under there to check out an oil leak.”
“What’s your point?” I asked.
“Don’t be so dense, Ace,” she said in exasperation. “George Bush lied to get us into war with Iraq. All the lies have been exposed. Then he claimed that Cindy Sheehan’s son Casey died for a ‘noble cause.’ She’s calling him on it. She says she wants to ask him just exactly what that noble cause was. He can wrap himself in flags and plaster the White House limo with all the ‘Support Our Troops’ stickers he wants, but the bottom line is, there wasn’t any ‘noble cause.’ He’s ducking her because he doesn’t have an answer. What’s he going to say?”
“Well, he needs to say something,” I protested. “It’s embarrassing to have the leader of the free world squirming like a possum caught in the headlights, all because one woman decided to squat beside the road at his ranch.”
“I don’t think it’s embarrassing at all,” she said. “I think it’s enlightening. Here you have all these Democratic politicians who know the whole war was bogus, and they won’t say a word. Then you have all the reporters who know it was bogus, and all they print is White House handouts. They’re all scared to death that Karl Rove and company will label them unpatriotic, so they just keep their mouths shut. And then one woman camps beside the highway in Crawford, says she wants to ask one simple question, and it’s like going behind the scenes in The Wizard of Oz. You find out that the larger-than-life figure everybody was so frightened of is actually a pathetic little man manipulating machinery.”
“He’s a busy guy,” I argued. “He’s got global responsibilities.”
Patty laughed so hard I thought she’d bust her belt. “Ace,” she said, “the man is on a month’s vacation right now. A month. He’s spent almost twenty percent of his presidency on vacation. He’s so seldom on the job that if he were a working man, he’d practically qualify for unemployment. He zipped right past Cindy Sheehan to take a two-hour bicycle ride, that’s how busy he is.”
“Come on, Patty,” I said. “He doesn’t have time to talk to every parent whose son or daughter died in Iraq. If he just spent an hour with each one, he wouldn’t have time to do anything else for the entire next year.”
“It might be a year well spent,” said Patty thoughtfully. “Maybe if he spent an hour with every grieving parent, the lives he’s destroyed would start to get a little more real for him. Maybe he’d lose a little sleep, instead of getting those nine good hours every night. And maybe he’d be less prone to treat people like pawns on a global chessboard.”
“I just don’t understand his thinking,” I said. “The longer he hides, the more he looks like a chicken. Why doesn’t he just walk out, shake her hand, tell her he’s sorry for what happened to her son, and say they’ll just have to disagree on the reasons for the war, blah blah?”
“Ace,” she said, “how long would you have stayed under that SUV?”
© Tony Russell, 2005
“Do you remember when you told me you were going to a lodge meeting, and I found out you were playing poker in Art’s garage?” she answered.
I winced. Some things are better off forgotten. And I don’t have any trouble at all forgetting them. But they’re permanently accessible in Patty’s memory bank. “Vaguely,” I said. “Why?”
“You lied and you hid,” she said. That’s Patty; no beating around the bush. “I had to drag you out from under the Morgans’ SUV. Then you pretended you were just under there to check out an oil leak.”
“What’s your point?” I asked.
“Don’t be so dense, Ace,” she said in exasperation. “George Bush lied to get us into war with Iraq. All the lies have been exposed. Then he claimed that Cindy Sheehan’s son Casey died for a ‘noble cause.’ She’s calling him on it. She says she wants to ask him just exactly what that noble cause was. He can wrap himself in flags and plaster the White House limo with all the ‘Support Our Troops’ stickers he wants, but the bottom line is, there wasn’t any ‘noble cause.’ He’s ducking her because he doesn’t have an answer. What’s he going to say?”
“Well, he needs to say something,” I protested. “It’s embarrassing to have the leader of the free world squirming like a possum caught in the headlights, all because one woman decided to squat beside the road at his ranch.”
“I don’t think it’s embarrassing at all,” she said. “I think it’s enlightening. Here you have all these Democratic politicians who know the whole war was bogus, and they won’t say a word. Then you have all the reporters who know it was bogus, and all they print is White House handouts. They’re all scared to death that Karl Rove and company will label them unpatriotic, so they just keep their mouths shut. And then one woman camps beside the highway in Crawford, says she wants to ask one simple question, and it’s like going behind the scenes in The Wizard of Oz. You find out that the larger-than-life figure everybody was so frightened of is actually a pathetic little man manipulating machinery.”
“He’s a busy guy,” I argued. “He’s got global responsibilities.”
Patty laughed so hard I thought she’d bust her belt. “Ace,” she said, “the man is on a month’s vacation right now. A month. He’s spent almost twenty percent of his presidency on vacation. He’s so seldom on the job that if he were a working man, he’d practically qualify for unemployment. He zipped right past Cindy Sheehan to take a two-hour bicycle ride, that’s how busy he is.”
“Come on, Patty,” I said. “He doesn’t have time to talk to every parent whose son or daughter died in Iraq. If he just spent an hour with each one, he wouldn’t have time to do anything else for the entire next year.”
“It might be a year well spent,” said Patty thoughtfully. “Maybe if he spent an hour with every grieving parent, the lives he’s destroyed would start to get a little more real for him. Maybe he’d lose a little sleep, instead of getting those nine good hours every night. And maybe he’d be less prone to treat people like pawns on a global chessboard.”
“I just don’t understand his thinking,” I said. “The longer he hides, the more he looks like a chicken. Why doesn’t he just walk out, shake her hand, tell her he’s sorry for what happened to her son, and say they’ll just have to disagree on the reasons for the war, blah blah?”
“Ace,” she said, “how long would you have stayed under that SUV?”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Thursday, August 11, 2005
“Uncle Sam’s Black Eyes”
“Have you seen Uncle Sam lately?” I asked.
Denzil looked glum. “I ran into him down in front of the drug store last week,” he said. “Lord, the old fella was a mess.”
“How’s that?” I said.
“Can you believe it?” he said. “The old man had two black eyes. The right one was almost swelled shut.”
“Jeez o Pete! What happened to him?”
“That’s what I wanted to know. I said, ‘Uncle Sam, how did you get those black eyes?’ He just looked at me and said, ‘What black eyes, Sonnyboy?’”
“I’ll bet that threw you for a loop. How do you answer a question like that?”
“Beats the heck out of me. I said, ‘Uncle Sam, have you looked in the polls lately?’ And he said, ‘Sonnyboy, I know my hair is combed straight. I don’t need to look in the polls before I walk out the door.’”
“What’s with the polls?”
“The international polls show that after that illegal invasion of Iraq, with all those phony excuses he made to justify the war, Uncle Sam got a real black eye. The other one got blackened when the prison abuse scandals broke, and it turned out the U.S. was torturing prisoners all over the globe, and jailing people without following any civilized, democratic procedures. While claiming to be waging a war to ‘spread democracy.’”
“And?”
“And the polls show that internationally, people’s opinion of the United States as a country that stands for freedom, truth, justice, and tolerance has dropped like a bowling ball thrown into an elevator shaft. The same polls show, though, that the people of the U.S. still rank themselves #1 in all those categories!”
“That’s quite a disconnect. So Uncle Sam refuses to look at the polls?”
“He just walks around with those black eyes and claims that everything’s hunky-dory. He insists he can see just fine, thank you.”
“Hasn’t anybody tried to talk some sense into him?”
“Aunt Francie tried. She told him before he even got started that he didn’t have any business invading Iraq. He got all huffy and stopped going to visit her. Started making fun of her cooking. Called her potatoes ‘freedom fries.’”
“Boy, that sounds really juvenile. You’d think somebody his age would know better than to act like that. I’ll bet she was ticked off.”
“Wouldn’t you be? I mean, you try to talk some sense into somebody, and they insult you and go ahead with something wrongheaded like that. Shoot, not only wrongheaded. It’s just plain wrong. And it’s been hard on his family—his sons and daughters have been getting killed and losing their arms and legs. And instead of making things better, Iraq is breeding new terrorists, while Iraq itself is going to hell in a handbasket.”
“Do you think he’s unaware of what’s going on, or in denial, or what? He’s always been an independent cuss, sure, but he used to be a really good nation—decent, fair, a good neighbor. Now he’s acting like a tyrant.”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s just old age. Maybe he’s had a stroke and it’s messed up his brain. All I know is, he’s just not the same Uncle Sam I’ve known all these years. Polls aren’t the be-all and end-all. But if you’re walking around with a pair of puffed-up, bloodshot, black-and-blue eyes, it’s time to admit you’ve got a problem, and think a little bit about what other people are saying.”
“What’s that old line Mrs. Hardman used to preach at us in school? ‘Experience is a dear school, but a fool will learn in no other.’”
“I was thinking more of that Robert Burns poem she used to quote:
Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An’ foolish notion.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Denzil looked glum. “I ran into him down in front of the drug store last week,” he said. “Lord, the old fella was a mess.”
“How’s that?” I said.
“Can you believe it?” he said. “The old man had two black eyes. The right one was almost swelled shut.”
“Jeez o Pete! What happened to him?”
“That’s what I wanted to know. I said, ‘Uncle Sam, how did you get those black eyes?’ He just looked at me and said, ‘What black eyes, Sonnyboy?’”
“I’ll bet that threw you for a loop. How do you answer a question like that?”
“Beats the heck out of me. I said, ‘Uncle Sam, have you looked in the polls lately?’ And he said, ‘Sonnyboy, I know my hair is combed straight. I don’t need to look in the polls before I walk out the door.’”
“What’s with the polls?”
“The international polls show that after that illegal invasion of Iraq, with all those phony excuses he made to justify the war, Uncle Sam got a real black eye. The other one got blackened when the prison abuse scandals broke, and it turned out the U.S. was torturing prisoners all over the globe, and jailing people without following any civilized, democratic procedures. While claiming to be waging a war to ‘spread democracy.’”
“And?”
“And the polls show that internationally, people’s opinion of the United States as a country that stands for freedom, truth, justice, and tolerance has dropped like a bowling ball thrown into an elevator shaft. The same polls show, though, that the people of the U.S. still rank themselves #1 in all those categories!”
“That’s quite a disconnect. So Uncle Sam refuses to look at the polls?”
“He just walks around with those black eyes and claims that everything’s hunky-dory. He insists he can see just fine, thank you.”
“Hasn’t anybody tried to talk some sense into him?”
“Aunt Francie tried. She told him before he even got started that he didn’t have any business invading Iraq. He got all huffy and stopped going to visit her. Started making fun of her cooking. Called her potatoes ‘freedom fries.’”
“Boy, that sounds really juvenile. You’d think somebody his age would know better than to act like that. I’ll bet she was ticked off.”
“Wouldn’t you be? I mean, you try to talk some sense into somebody, and they insult you and go ahead with something wrongheaded like that. Shoot, not only wrongheaded. It’s just plain wrong. And it’s been hard on his family—his sons and daughters have been getting killed and losing their arms and legs. And instead of making things better, Iraq is breeding new terrorists, while Iraq itself is going to hell in a handbasket.”
“Do you think he’s unaware of what’s going on, or in denial, or what? He’s always been an independent cuss, sure, but he used to be a really good nation—decent, fair, a good neighbor. Now he’s acting like a tyrant.”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s just old age. Maybe he’s had a stroke and it’s messed up his brain. All I know is, he’s just not the same Uncle Sam I’ve known all these years. Polls aren’t the be-all and end-all. But if you’re walking around with a pair of puffed-up, bloodshot, black-and-blue eyes, it’s time to admit you’ve got a problem, and think a little bit about what other people are saying.”
“What’s that old line Mrs. Hardman used to preach at us in school? ‘Experience is a dear school, but a fool will learn in no other.’”
“I was thinking more of that Robert Burns poem she used to quote:
Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An’ foolish notion.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005
“You’re Not Going to Believe It”
“Gosh,” I said, glancing around the booth. “You’ve got everything, haven’t you? There’s the Torah, and the Koran, and the Tao Te Ching and the Upanishads! I didn’t realize you carried all those. I thought you’d just stock the King James Version and Good News for Modern Man and maybe the New American Bible—a few things like that.”
“Oh no,” said the handsome clerk. “We’re an international corporation. Our market is worldwide.” He spread his hands over the display case: “You see. Various crucifixes, statues of the Buddha, portraits of saints, thousands of statues of Hindu gods….”
“Well that’s great,” I said. “But I’m really looking for something in a domestic variety.”
“You’ve come to the right place,” he assured me. “We have numerous products of American provenance available right now. I’m sure we can fix you right up.”
“That’s a relief,” I confessed. “It’s so embarrassing to go around without a religion to wear on my sleeve. I feel half-dressed. Whenever I’m out in public, people keep staring at my arm.”
“No problem,” he said with a comforting smile. “I doubt we’ll even have to tailor anything for you. We probably have something that will fit you right off the rack. Let me just get your requirements.” He pulled out a pencil and a notepad.
“You’ve taken me by surprise,” I blurted. “I wasn’t expecting to find something at the first shop I came to.”
He leaned across the counter and, glancing around to be sure he wasn’t overheard, said out of the corner of his mouth, “Look, our holding company has stock in all these places, even the exclusive high-end Christian specialty shops. Don’t feel shy about shopping in a one-stop mart. We carry everything the others have, but we can sell for less with our low overhead.”
The odor of sulphur on his breath was distracting, but his words were convincing. “Great!” I said. “Let me warn you, though, I’m afraid my requirements might be pretty hard to fill.”
“Probably easier than you think,” he countered. “Don’t try to prioritize them; just let ‘er rip.”
“Okay,” I said, and paused for a moment. “I’d like one that preaches loving your enemies to the point of allowing yourself to be killed before doing violence to others, but is comfortable with slaughtering thousands of men, women, and children, most of them innocent of anything except being in a city we’re attacking.”
He made a checkmark on his list. “We have numerous popular models with that feature,” he said. “What else?”
“Uh, I’d like one that preaches simplicity of lifestyle, the danger to your soul of pursuing riches, and the obligation to care for the poor, widows, and orphans, but at the same time glorifies wealth and its trappings, claims huge fortunes are ‘God’s blessing,’ supports political policies that make the rich richer and the poor poorer, and opposes any notion of the common good.”
“Heh heh!” he laughed. “I’ll bet you thought that would be difficult. We’ve got churches all over the country that meet that stipulation—huge churches, thriving churches.”
“Well that’s good news,” I joked. “How about this next item. I’d like one that preaches mercy and the forgiveness of sins, but pushes for longer prison terms and harsher punishments for criminals, eliminates programs aimed at educating and rehabilitating them, and continually expands the list of crimes punishable by death.”
“Can do,” he said. “That’s standard on almost every item we sell. Next?”
I hesitated. “I’d like one that emphasizes the kinship of everyone under the fatherhood of God and asserts that all distinctions of race and class and nation and sex vanish in discipleship …”
“But?”
“But I’d like to worship in an all-white middle class group of English-speaking native born Christians.”
He gave a deep belly laugh. “If you can’t find one of those,” he said, “you couldn’t find a golf ball in a can of beans. Anything else?”
“Yes, there is one more thing. It’s sort of related to the last one. I’d like one which teaches that we are all created in God’s own image, but advocates discrimination against gays and lesbians in both church and civil society.”
“You’ve got it!” he said proudly.
“Wonderful!” I exclaimed. “What do I owe you?”
“You’re not going to believe it when I tell you...,” he began.
© Tony Russell, 2005
“Oh no,” said the handsome clerk. “We’re an international corporation. Our market is worldwide.” He spread his hands over the display case: “You see. Various crucifixes, statues of the Buddha, portraits of saints, thousands of statues of Hindu gods….”
“Well that’s great,” I said. “But I’m really looking for something in a domestic variety.”
“You’ve come to the right place,” he assured me. “We have numerous products of American provenance available right now. I’m sure we can fix you right up.”
“That’s a relief,” I confessed. “It’s so embarrassing to go around without a religion to wear on my sleeve. I feel half-dressed. Whenever I’m out in public, people keep staring at my arm.”
“No problem,” he said with a comforting smile. “I doubt we’ll even have to tailor anything for you. We probably have something that will fit you right off the rack. Let me just get your requirements.” He pulled out a pencil and a notepad.
“You’ve taken me by surprise,” I blurted. “I wasn’t expecting to find something at the first shop I came to.”
He leaned across the counter and, glancing around to be sure he wasn’t overheard, said out of the corner of his mouth, “Look, our holding company has stock in all these places, even the exclusive high-end Christian specialty shops. Don’t feel shy about shopping in a one-stop mart. We carry everything the others have, but we can sell for less with our low overhead.”
The odor of sulphur on his breath was distracting, but his words were convincing. “Great!” I said. “Let me warn you, though, I’m afraid my requirements might be pretty hard to fill.”
“Probably easier than you think,” he countered. “Don’t try to prioritize them; just let ‘er rip.”
“Okay,” I said, and paused for a moment. “I’d like one that preaches loving your enemies to the point of allowing yourself to be killed before doing violence to others, but is comfortable with slaughtering thousands of men, women, and children, most of them innocent of anything except being in a city we’re attacking.”
He made a checkmark on his list. “We have numerous popular models with that feature,” he said. “What else?”
“Uh, I’d like one that preaches simplicity of lifestyle, the danger to your soul of pursuing riches, and the obligation to care for the poor, widows, and orphans, but at the same time glorifies wealth and its trappings, claims huge fortunes are ‘God’s blessing,’ supports political policies that make the rich richer and the poor poorer, and opposes any notion of the common good.”
“Heh heh!” he laughed. “I’ll bet you thought that would be difficult. We’ve got churches all over the country that meet that stipulation—huge churches, thriving churches.”
“Well that’s good news,” I joked. “How about this next item. I’d like one that preaches mercy and the forgiveness of sins, but pushes for longer prison terms and harsher punishments for criminals, eliminates programs aimed at educating and rehabilitating them, and continually expands the list of crimes punishable by death.”
“Can do,” he said. “That’s standard on almost every item we sell. Next?”
I hesitated. “I’d like one that emphasizes the kinship of everyone under the fatherhood of God and asserts that all distinctions of race and class and nation and sex vanish in discipleship …”
“But?”
“But I’d like to worship in an all-white middle class group of English-speaking native born Christians.”
He gave a deep belly laugh. “If you can’t find one of those,” he said, “you couldn’t find a golf ball in a can of beans. Anything else?”
“Yes, there is one more thing. It’s sort of related to the last one. I’d like one which teaches that we are all created in God’s own image, but advocates discrimination against gays and lesbians in both church and civil society.”
“You’ve got it!” he said proudly.
“Wonderful!” I exclaimed. “What do I owe you?”
“You’re not going to believe it when I tell you...,” he began.
© Tony Russell, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
“Democrats Search for a Winning Issue”
It was getting late—after nine o’clock—and everyone should have headed home for supper long ago, but a few staffers were still in the conference room, brainstorming, trying to find an issue that could revive the Democratic Party. They were all still reeling from losing yet again to George W. Bush and falling even farther from power in Congress.
“Come on, guys,” said Dave. “There’s gotta be an issue that really connects with ordinary people, that energizes them, that offers them a real choice and lets ‘em know the Democratic Party cares about them, listens to them, and is tuned in to their concerns.”
“Oh, you put it so well,” said Barb. “That is just so true.”
“National security has always been a Republican strong point,” Danny threw out, “but now that it’s been proven Iraq didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction, and Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with September 11, the whole Bush administration has been discredited on that issue. I think there’s a real opportunity there for us.”
“Danny,” said Ted, a balding consultant to many a losing campaign, “you can’t win on national security in war time, even if the President started the war for some reason that nobody can explain and we’re getting our butts kicked by an army that doesn’t exist.”
“Oh, excuse me,” said the cleaning lady, “I didn’t know anybody was still in here.”
“That’s okay, Juanita, just go ahead and clean around us,” said Kevin. “It won’t bother us. Who’s that you’ve got there with you?”
“Oh, this’s my littlest one, Marcus. He got sick, and my sister’s car broke down so she couldn’t watch him, and I had to bring him along. But don’t worry none. He’ll just sit out front and color. He won’t bother nobody.”
“Shouldn’t he be home in bed if he’s sick?” asked Kevin.
“Ain’t nobody at home old enough to watch him,” said Juanita, “and if I stay home, I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid, the rent don’t get paid, and we’re out on the street.”
“Oh yeah,” said Kevin. “Well, hey, there are some colored markers in my desk drawer if you want to use them.”
“He doesn’t look too lively,” observed Barb. “Maybe you should take him to the doctor.”
“Huh!” said Juanita. “Who can afford health insurance when they’re makin’ $5.15 an hour?”
Danny threw out another idea. “What about energy policy? Bush and Cheney let the energy companies write energy policy, and oil company profits have shot up like a gusher.”
“All I know,” muttered Juanita, “is when gas is $2.50 a gallon, and I make $5.15 an hour, I’m already out an hour’s pay every time I drive to work. Seems like gas prices go up every time you turn around, but minimum wage ain’t changed a penny in years.”
“You know what you ought to do?” said Barb. “You ought to buy one of those new hybrids. I get 53 miles to a gallon with mine.”
“I’m getting’ hungry,” moaned Kevin. “Why don’t we order some subs and drinks?”
“Sounds good,” said Dave. “You want us to order for you too, Juanita?”
“Nah, I packed up baloney sandwiches for me and Marcus. Subs and drinks would set me back two more hours’ pay at $5.15 an hour.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Kevin. “Hey, I’ll spring for subs for you and Marcus. My treat!”
“No thanks,” said Juanita. “We’ve already got our supper packed. No sense wastin’ it.”
“How about housing?” asked Danny, still digging. “Owning your own home is part of the American dream.”
“No good,” said Ted. “As low as mortgage rates have been, all kinds of people have jumped into the housing market.”
“How’s anybody makin’ $5.15 an hour gonna get money together for a down payment or get approved for a mortgage, when even some shabby houses be costin’ more than $200,000?” asked Juanita. “Housing prices doublin’ and triplin’ even, but minimum wage ain’t gone up in years.”
“I think you’re right, Ted,” said Barb. “My parents just bought a vacation home right on the beach in Oregon, had it for less than a month, and turned around and sold it for $100,000 more than they paid for it. Everybody’s getting rich in this market.”
“Folks,” said Dave, “why don’t we eat and call it a night. It doesn’t look as if we’re going to come up with anything this evening that would connect the Democratic Party with its roots. For some reason, the poor and the working class don’t even turn out to vote anymore. If we could just think of some issue they cared about….”
© Tony Russell, 2005
“Come on, guys,” said Dave. “There’s gotta be an issue that really connects with ordinary people, that energizes them, that offers them a real choice and lets ‘em know the Democratic Party cares about them, listens to them, and is tuned in to their concerns.”
“Oh, you put it so well,” said Barb. “That is just so true.”
“National security has always been a Republican strong point,” Danny threw out, “but now that it’s been proven Iraq didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction, and Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with September 11, the whole Bush administration has been discredited on that issue. I think there’s a real opportunity there for us.”
“Danny,” said Ted, a balding consultant to many a losing campaign, “you can’t win on national security in war time, even if the President started the war for some reason that nobody can explain and we’re getting our butts kicked by an army that doesn’t exist.”
“Oh, excuse me,” said the cleaning lady, “I didn’t know anybody was still in here.”
“That’s okay, Juanita, just go ahead and clean around us,” said Kevin. “It won’t bother us. Who’s that you’ve got there with you?”
“Oh, this’s my littlest one, Marcus. He got sick, and my sister’s car broke down so she couldn’t watch him, and I had to bring him along. But don’t worry none. He’ll just sit out front and color. He won’t bother nobody.”
“Shouldn’t he be home in bed if he’s sick?” asked Kevin.
“Ain’t nobody at home old enough to watch him,” said Juanita, “and if I stay home, I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid, the rent don’t get paid, and we’re out on the street.”
“Oh yeah,” said Kevin. “Well, hey, there are some colored markers in my desk drawer if you want to use them.”
“He doesn’t look too lively,” observed Barb. “Maybe you should take him to the doctor.”
“Huh!” said Juanita. “Who can afford health insurance when they’re makin’ $5.15 an hour?”
Danny threw out another idea. “What about energy policy? Bush and Cheney let the energy companies write energy policy, and oil company profits have shot up like a gusher.”
“All I know,” muttered Juanita, “is when gas is $2.50 a gallon, and I make $5.15 an hour, I’m already out an hour’s pay every time I drive to work. Seems like gas prices go up every time you turn around, but minimum wage ain’t changed a penny in years.”
“You know what you ought to do?” said Barb. “You ought to buy one of those new hybrids. I get 53 miles to a gallon with mine.”
“I’m getting’ hungry,” moaned Kevin. “Why don’t we order some subs and drinks?”
“Sounds good,” said Dave. “You want us to order for you too, Juanita?”
“Nah, I packed up baloney sandwiches for me and Marcus. Subs and drinks would set me back two more hours’ pay at $5.15 an hour.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Kevin. “Hey, I’ll spring for subs for you and Marcus. My treat!”
“No thanks,” said Juanita. “We’ve already got our supper packed. No sense wastin’ it.”
“How about housing?” asked Danny, still digging. “Owning your own home is part of the American dream.”
“No good,” said Ted. “As low as mortgage rates have been, all kinds of people have jumped into the housing market.”
“How’s anybody makin’ $5.15 an hour gonna get money together for a down payment or get approved for a mortgage, when even some shabby houses be costin’ more than $200,000?” asked Juanita. “Housing prices doublin’ and triplin’ even, but minimum wage ain’t gone up in years.”
“I think you’re right, Ted,” said Barb. “My parents just bought a vacation home right on the beach in Oregon, had it for less than a month, and turned around and sold it for $100,000 more than they paid for it. Everybody’s getting rich in this market.”
“Folks,” said Dave, “why don’t we eat and call it a night. It doesn’t look as if we’re going to come up with anything this evening that would connect the Democratic Party with its roots. For some reason, the poor and the working class don’t even turn out to vote anymore. If we could just think of some issue they cared about….”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
“Tabling the Debate”
Maybe you’re like me, and find yourself confused after watching political talk shows on TV. In the kind of balanced, civilized debate you’d expect in an advanced democratic society, carefully-selected department store mannequins representing the liberal perspective square off against badly-disguised attack dogs representing the conservative point of view. (“Karl Rove” is actually a Rottweiler; the name is a corrupted version of the command “Kill, Rover.”) While you’re waiting for the debate to be interrupted by beer commercials full of beautiful girls who love playing in the mud and drinking light beers—wait a minute, that’s Sunday afternoons—these debaters keep interrupting each other right in the middle of their top-of-the-lungs, ten-minute-long abusive rants. How rude can you get?
The result is that, after doing my public duty to understand these issues of grave national importance, I now understand how people can actually read People magazine instead or switch channels and watch a bowling match. What I don’t understand is whatever topic these guys were using to practice their Public Yelling. You just have to figure it out yourself, if the media won’t help. Thank God for the Internet, which has enabled me to research ancient history, almost back before the memory of humankind—say five or six years ago—without the physical stress of turning the pages of a book.
So let’s begin with an easy topic, Gulf War II—originally given the snappy name Operation Iraqi Liberation (OIL), but later changed to Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF. OIF?) —and review the opposing positions taken by liberals and conservatives:
Liberal Position
1a. There’s no good evidence that Saddam Hussein had anything to do with Sept. 11. Conservative Position
Saddam Hussein plotted with al Qaeda to launch the Sept. 11 attacks, and we can prove it.
Outcome
Mr. Bush eventually concedes that Saddam Hussein had no connection to the Sept. 11 attacks.
Liberal Position
1b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
Saddam Hussein was a bad man.
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.
Liberal Position
2a. There’s no good evidence that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction (WMD).
Conservative Position
We have evidence of specific WMD, including amounts and the sites where they’re produced and stored.
Outcome
After exhaustive search, no WMD found.
Liberal Position
2b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
Did we mention that we want Iraq to become a model Middle East democracy?
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.
Liberal Position
3a. There’s no good evidence that Iraq was trying to buy uranium from Niger.
Conservative Position
Iraq was buying uranium ore from Niger and aluminum rods to be used in nuclear centrifuges.
Outcome
Uranium ore story discredited; rods turn out to be parts for conventional rockets.
Liberal Position
3b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
Joseph Wilson’s wife is an undercover CIA agent.
Outcome
That’ll teach you to contradict me in public!
Liberal Position
4a. Lots of people will get killed.
Conservative Position
No sweat.
Outcome
President lands on aircraft carrier in front of “Mission Accomplished!” sign, declares active hostilities at an end.
Liberal Position
4b. 1,800 US soldiers, 25,000 to 100,000 Iraqis killed; death toll still climbing.
Conservative Position
No pictures of corpses allowed; Iraqi dead don’t count.
Outcome
Administration says, “We didn’t put that sign up.”
Liberal Position
5a. The war will be really expensive.
Conservative Position
We’ll sell Iraqi oil; the war will almost pay for itself.
Outcome
Surprise! War costs $208 billion so far, with no end in sight.
Liberal Position
5b. This war is really expensive!
Conservative Position
If you don’t sign this blank check, you’re unpatriotic.
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.
Liberal Position
6a. You need a plan for the aftermath.
Conservative Position
Let’s just get this war started, and quit standing around.
Outcome
Chaos. Offices, factories, museums, libraries, schools, archaeological sites looted and destroyed. Arms depots are left unguarded and looted.
Liberal Position
6b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
If you criticize the war effort, you’re unpatriotic.
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.
Liberal Position
7. The war is illegal because it violates both international law and the UN Charter.
Conservative Position
Who cares? The President can do whatever he wants in the name of national security.
Outcome
President does whatever he wants, and says it’s because of national security.
Liberal Position
8a. Intelligence is being manipulated to justify an invasion.
Conservative Position
Intelligence is sound, situation critical. “Bush bashers” hate the President, would vote for Saddam Hussein instead, given a chance.
Outcome
How did we go wrong? Intelligence was “seriously flawed.” (See nos. 1-6 above). Big-name panels created to find problem, but administration specifically excludes political pressure as factor to be investigated.
Liberal Position
8b. Downing Street memos, printed in London Times, prove intelligence was being manipulated to justify an invasion.
Conservative Position
What memos?
Outcome
Corporate media in US unite to bury huge story for month and a half.
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win…. Wait!
Liberal Position
8c. Downing Street memos finally surface in mainstream media, show intelligence was being “fixed around” justifying an invasion.
Conservative Position
Downing Street memos are “vague” and “old news.”
Outcome
Public can’t find Downing Street, falls asleep waiting for commercials with beautiful girls who like playing in the mud and drinking light beers. Conservatives turn out to like playing in the mud too.
The result is that, after doing my public duty to understand these issues of grave national importance, I now understand how people can actually read People magazine instead or switch channels and watch a bowling match. What I don’t understand is whatever topic these guys were using to practice their Public Yelling. You just have to figure it out yourself, if the media won’t help. Thank God for the Internet, which has enabled me to research ancient history, almost back before the memory of humankind—say five or six years ago—without the physical stress of turning the pages of a book.
So let’s begin with an easy topic, Gulf War II—originally given the snappy name Operation Iraqi Liberation (OIL), but later changed to Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF. OIF?) —and review the opposing positions taken by liberals and conservatives:
Liberal Position
1a. There’s no good evidence that Saddam Hussein had anything to do with Sept. 11. Conservative Position
Saddam Hussein plotted with al Qaeda to launch the Sept. 11 attacks, and we can prove it.
Outcome
Mr. Bush eventually concedes that Saddam Hussein had no connection to the Sept. 11 attacks.
Liberal Position
1b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
Saddam Hussein was a bad man.
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.
Liberal Position
2a. There’s no good evidence that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction (WMD).
Conservative Position
We have evidence of specific WMD, including amounts and the sites where they’re produced and stored.
Outcome
After exhaustive search, no WMD found.
Liberal Position
2b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
Did we mention that we want Iraq to become a model Middle East democracy?
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.
Liberal Position
3a. There’s no good evidence that Iraq was trying to buy uranium from Niger.
Conservative Position
Iraq was buying uranium ore from Niger and aluminum rods to be used in nuclear centrifuges.
Outcome
Uranium ore story discredited; rods turn out to be parts for conventional rockets.
Liberal Position
3b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
Joseph Wilson’s wife is an undercover CIA agent.
Outcome
That’ll teach you to contradict me in public!
Liberal Position
4a. Lots of people will get killed.
Conservative Position
No sweat.
Outcome
President lands on aircraft carrier in front of “Mission Accomplished!” sign, declares active hostilities at an end.
Liberal Position
4b. 1,800 US soldiers, 25,000 to 100,000 Iraqis killed; death toll still climbing.
Conservative Position
No pictures of corpses allowed; Iraqi dead don’t count.
Outcome
Administration says, “We didn’t put that sign up.”
Liberal Position
5a. The war will be really expensive.
Conservative Position
We’ll sell Iraqi oil; the war will almost pay for itself.
Outcome
Surprise! War costs $208 billion so far, with no end in sight.
Liberal Position
5b. This war is really expensive!
Conservative Position
If you don’t sign this blank check, you’re unpatriotic.
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.
Liberal Position
6a. You need a plan for the aftermath.
Conservative Position
Let’s just get this war started, and quit standing around.
Outcome
Chaos. Offices, factories, museums, libraries, schools, archaeological sites looted and destroyed. Arms depots are left unguarded and looted.
Liberal Position
6b. I told you so.
Conservative Position
If you criticize the war effort, you’re unpatriotic.
Outcome
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win.
Liberal Position
7. The war is illegal because it violates both international law and the UN Charter.
Conservative Position
Who cares? The President can do whatever he wants in the name of national security.
Outcome
President does whatever he wants, and says it’s because of national security.
Liberal Position
8a. Intelligence is being manipulated to justify an invasion.
Conservative Position
Intelligence is sound, situation critical. “Bush bashers” hate the President, would vote for Saddam Hussein instead, given a chance.
Outcome
How did we go wrong? Intelligence was “seriously flawed.” (See nos. 1-6 above). Big-name panels created to find problem, but administration specifically excludes political pressure as factor to be investigated.
Liberal Position
8b. Downing Street memos, printed in London Times, prove intelligence was being manipulated to justify an invasion.
Conservative Position
What memos?
Outcome
Corporate media in US unite to bury huge story for month and a half.
Liberals right, conservatives wrong; conservatives win…. Wait!
Liberal Position
8c. Downing Street memos finally surface in mainstream media, show intelligence was being “fixed around” justifying an invasion.
Conservative Position
Downing Street memos are “vague” and “old news.”
Outcome
Public can’t find Downing Street, falls asleep waiting for commercials with beautiful girls who like playing in the mud and drinking light beers. Conservatives turn out to like playing in the mud too.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
“Remembering the Good Old Days”
Everybody was in for the reunion, and a bunch of us were at the local watering hole, wetting our throats for the Alumni Sing that evening. The crew at the next table were older guys, in their sixties maybe. They were pretty boisterous, and the more the beer went down, the more their volume rose. They were reliving the glory years of their youth at the top of their voices, and their conversation eventually dropped from sports to politics.
“Remember when it was the commies who would invade countries on some phony excuse, the way we did Iraq and Panama, and we’d just go ballistic?” asked one guy nostalgically, a big beefy fellow wearing a huge straw hat.
Everyone at the table fell silent as they reminisced about that for a minute, and then the bald guy to his right chimed in. “Remember when the Soviets would go to the U.N. and tell these transparent lies, and the rest of the world would just sit there, arms folded, waiting for the lies to end? And the Soviets didn’t care! Those were the good old days. When I was watching Colin Powell’s speech making the case for war against Iraq, and saw those delegates watching him, arms folded, it all came back to me.”
“I thought Powell had a lot more class. At least he didn’t take his shoe off and pound it on the podium,” said the big guy. Everybody laughed.
The skinny little guy sitting across the table from him piped up. “Remember when magazines like the Reader’s Digest were always carrying stories about how people were being picked up by the Soviet police and held with no charges being filed and no lawyer and no contact with their family? We always said, ‘That’s the way they do things in a police state, not in America, God bless her.’ And, hey, now we’ve got guys who’ve been in Guantanamo for two and a half years, and they have still never been charged with anything or allowed contact with their families.”
The big guy nodded his head. “And remember when the commies were the ones who were torturing people in their prisons, or kidnapping people off the streets in other countries? Now the U.S. has secret prisons around the globe, prisoners being tortured to death, and CIA agents being indicted in Italy for kidnapping, with cell phone records and everything.”
The bald guy said, “Sure, I remember that. And do you remember how we used to hear about the Roosky secret police invading people’s private lives? And we’d say, that’s the way it is in a totalitarian society. Now somehow we have this so-called Patriot Act, and the FBI is reading your e-mail and checking to see what library books you’ve been reading!”
The fourth guy, who’d been silent up till then, said, “Remember when we used to laugh at the way the Soviet newspapers and the other media just took whatever handout the Kremlin gave them, and that was their news? And we thought it was a hoot when some big news items got blacked out completely, the way the Downing Street memos were this spring?”
The skinny guy came back with, “Remember how there were always those stories of massive corruption, with the big guys in the Kremlin tied in to companies supplying the Red Army, and the big guys got rich while the poor suckers in the army got lousy food, low pay, and equipment shortages?”
“Yeah, I thought of that when I read about Cheney and Halliburton and all those no-bid contracts they were awarded,” said the big beefy guy, shaking his head.
“Remember the blatant hypocrisy, when the Russians would take over some country and claim they had ‘liberated’ it, and then install a puppet government in the name of a ‘people’s democracy’?”
“Oh sure,” said the fourth guy. “If you followed what we’ve done in Iraq and Afghanistan, you couldn’t help but think about it.”
“Speaking of Afghanistan,” said the skinny guy, “do you remember how the Soviets thought they had that place whipped? They installed a puppet government just like we have. I can’t remember how long it took—ten years or so—but the Taliban finally bled ‘em dry and ran the commies out of there. With our help! We trained the guys we’re fighting now. Wonder how long it will take ‘em to boot us out of their country?”
I’d had about all I could take. I sidled up to the bar, and in a low tone asked Eddie, “Who are those guys? A bunch of leftover radicals from some old SDS chapter in the sixties?”
Eddie glanced at the table and gave a snort. “Those guys in SDS? No way. They’re just a bunch of Republicans with loose tongues and long memories.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
“Remember when it was the commies who would invade countries on some phony excuse, the way we did Iraq and Panama, and we’d just go ballistic?” asked one guy nostalgically, a big beefy fellow wearing a huge straw hat.
Everyone at the table fell silent as they reminisced about that for a minute, and then the bald guy to his right chimed in. “Remember when the Soviets would go to the U.N. and tell these transparent lies, and the rest of the world would just sit there, arms folded, waiting for the lies to end? And the Soviets didn’t care! Those were the good old days. When I was watching Colin Powell’s speech making the case for war against Iraq, and saw those delegates watching him, arms folded, it all came back to me.”
“I thought Powell had a lot more class. At least he didn’t take his shoe off and pound it on the podium,” said the big guy. Everybody laughed.
The skinny little guy sitting across the table from him piped up. “Remember when magazines like the Reader’s Digest were always carrying stories about how people were being picked up by the Soviet police and held with no charges being filed and no lawyer and no contact with their family? We always said, ‘That’s the way they do things in a police state, not in America, God bless her.’ And, hey, now we’ve got guys who’ve been in Guantanamo for two and a half years, and they have still never been charged with anything or allowed contact with their families.”
The big guy nodded his head. “And remember when the commies were the ones who were torturing people in their prisons, or kidnapping people off the streets in other countries? Now the U.S. has secret prisons around the globe, prisoners being tortured to death, and CIA agents being indicted in Italy for kidnapping, with cell phone records and everything.”
The bald guy said, “Sure, I remember that. And do you remember how we used to hear about the Roosky secret police invading people’s private lives? And we’d say, that’s the way it is in a totalitarian society. Now somehow we have this so-called Patriot Act, and the FBI is reading your e-mail and checking to see what library books you’ve been reading!”
The fourth guy, who’d been silent up till then, said, “Remember when we used to laugh at the way the Soviet newspapers and the other media just took whatever handout the Kremlin gave them, and that was their news? And we thought it was a hoot when some big news items got blacked out completely, the way the Downing Street memos were this spring?”
The skinny guy came back with, “Remember how there were always those stories of massive corruption, with the big guys in the Kremlin tied in to companies supplying the Red Army, and the big guys got rich while the poor suckers in the army got lousy food, low pay, and equipment shortages?”
“Yeah, I thought of that when I read about Cheney and Halliburton and all those no-bid contracts they were awarded,” said the big beefy guy, shaking his head.
“Remember the blatant hypocrisy, when the Russians would take over some country and claim they had ‘liberated’ it, and then install a puppet government in the name of a ‘people’s democracy’?”
“Oh sure,” said the fourth guy. “If you followed what we’ve done in Iraq and Afghanistan, you couldn’t help but think about it.”
“Speaking of Afghanistan,” said the skinny guy, “do you remember how the Soviets thought they had that place whipped? They installed a puppet government just like we have. I can’t remember how long it took—ten years or so—but the Taliban finally bled ‘em dry and ran the commies out of there. With our help! We trained the guys we’re fighting now. Wonder how long it will take ‘em to boot us out of their country?”
I’d had about all I could take. I sidled up to the bar, and in a low tone asked Eddie, “Who are those guys? A bunch of leftover radicals from some old SDS chapter in the sixties?”
Eddie glanced at the table and gave a snort. “Those guys in SDS? No way. They’re just a bunch of Republicans with loose tongues and long memories.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
“National Republican Radio”
Office of the Board of Directors, Corporation for Public Broadcasting -
“Mr. Chairman?”
“Yes, Warren.”
“Isn’t it time that we get around to changing our name from ‘Corporation for Public Broadcasting’ to ‘Corporation for Republican Broadcasting’?”
“Now, Warren, you can’t hurry these things. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s more complicated than you think. Since we’re in charge of public radio, should we change that from ‘National Public Radio’ to ‘National Republican Radio’? Or public television from ‘PBS’ to ‘RBS’? Do we change all three names at once, or make the changes one at a time?”
“Mr. Chairman, I move to strike the reference to Rome from the minutes! The media don’t need anything else that hints at an ‘American empire’ parallel.”
“Point well taken, Bruce. Edie, please delete any references to Rome from the record. Now, before we get to new business, Harold is going to present us with an update on our accomplishments so far. All set, Harold?”
“Sure thing, Ken. I want to say, first of all, that we owe you a debt of gratitude for bringing your experience as former head of Voice of America in the Reagan administration and as an editor for Reader's Digest to our situation here at CPB. That’s the kind of balanced perspective we’ve been needing for a long time.”
“Thanks very much, Harold. I do what I can, and can who I have to—that’s a joke, Edie.”
“Okay, Mr. Chairman. Here’s what we’ve accomplished so far: Bob Edwards has been dumped; we’ve given the Wall Street Journal a show of its own to showcase the corporate worldview; we’ve hired Fred Mann, a Republican consultant and commentator who worked for Dan Quayle, to keep track of the guests' political leanings on Now with Bill Moyers; and we’ve brought a White House communications officer aboard as a special advisor. Whenever we need guidance on policy issues, he’ll let us know what the White House wants. And wait until you hear the best news. We’ve just installed Patricia Harrison, former co-chair of the Republican National Committee, as the new president of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting! If ever there was somebody who was proud to be riding the elephant, it’s Pat. And here she is! Let’s all give Pat a big hand!”
“Thanks you for that nice introduction, Harold. I won’t say much at this point. Just that if you think right, you’re in the right place now!”
“I’m sure we are. Good to have you aboard, Pat. Bruce, do you have those new programming ideas your committee has been working on?
“You bet, Mr. Chairman. We’re proposing that we totally wipe out the witty liberal slant on NPR. We want to replace Terry Gross and Fresh Air with Hot Air, a conservative interview show hosted by somebody like Rush Limbaugh. Whodya Know, a quiz show pairing real-life lobbyists and Congressional staffers, would take the place of Whaddya Know with Michael Feldman. We want to drop This American Life, with Ira Glass and that array of misfits, and replace it with Our American Life, modeled on articles from Guideposts magazine—heartwarming stories of Christian faith and efficacious prayer. And for good measure, we’d like to replace Tom and Ray and Car Talk with Dick and Rummy and War Talk. We’re confident we can line up a ton of corporate underwriters for that one. ”
“I like your thinking, Bruce. That kind of program lineup really reflects where we want the country to go. Don’t stop when you’re on a roll.”
“Mr. Chairman, there’s somebody down there at the end of the table who has been waving his hand for a while.”
“Oh, yes. Sorry, I didn’t see you there. Are you one of those holdovers from the old bipartisan board?”
“Yes, Mr. Chairman. I just wanted to say that this board was originally designed to shield public broadcasting from partisan political influence. I’m wondering if the changes you’ve made are really faithful to our founding mission, which was to ‘provide a voice for groups in the community that may otherwise be unheard,’ to serve as ‘a forum for controversy and debate,’ and to offer programs that ‘help us see America whole, in all its diversity’?”
“Good Lord, is that supposed to be our mission? I certainly appreciate your drawing that to my attention. There’s just so much to undo here that I know I overlook things sometimes. We’ll tend to that right now. Do I hear a motion to draft a new mission statement more in line with the White House’s vision? Good. Could I have a second?”
© Tony Russell, 2005
“Mr. Chairman?”
“Yes, Warren.”
“Isn’t it time that we get around to changing our name from ‘Corporation for Public Broadcasting’ to ‘Corporation for Republican Broadcasting’?”
“Now, Warren, you can’t hurry these things. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s more complicated than you think. Since we’re in charge of public radio, should we change that from ‘National Public Radio’ to ‘National Republican Radio’? Or public television from ‘PBS’ to ‘RBS’? Do we change all three names at once, or make the changes one at a time?”
“Mr. Chairman, I move to strike the reference to Rome from the minutes! The media don’t need anything else that hints at an ‘American empire’ parallel.”
“Point well taken, Bruce. Edie, please delete any references to Rome from the record. Now, before we get to new business, Harold is going to present us with an update on our accomplishments so far. All set, Harold?”
“Sure thing, Ken. I want to say, first of all, that we owe you a debt of gratitude for bringing your experience as former head of Voice of America in the Reagan administration and as an editor for Reader's Digest to our situation here at CPB. That’s the kind of balanced perspective we’ve been needing for a long time.”
“Thanks very much, Harold. I do what I can, and can who I have to—that’s a joke, Edie.”
“Okay, Mr. Chairman. Here’s what we’ve accomplished so far: Bob Edwards has been dumped; we’ve given the Wall Street Journal a show of its own to showcase the corporate worldview; we’ve hired Fred Mann, a Republican consultant and commentator who worked for Dan Quayle, to keep track of the guests' political leanings on Now with Bill Moyers; and we’ve brought a White House communications officer aboard as a special advisor. Whenever we need guidance on policy issues, he’ll let us know what the White House wants. And wait until you hear the best news. We’ve just installed Patricia Harrison, former co-chair of the Republican National Committee, as the new president of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting! If ever there was somebody who was proud to be riding the elephant, it’s Pat. And here she is! Let’s all give Pat a big hand!”
“Thanks you for that nice introduction, Harold. I won’t say much at this point. Just that if you think right, you’re in the right place now!”
“I’m sure we are. Good to have you aboard, Pat. Bruce, do you have those new programming ideas your committee has been working on?
“You bet, Mr. Chairman. We’re proposing that we totally wipe out the witty liberal slant on NPR. We want to replace Terry Gross and Fresh Air with Hot Air, a conservative interview show hosted by somebody like Rush Limbaugh. Whodya Know, a quiz show pairing real-life lobbyists and Congressional staffers, would take the place of Whaddya Know with Michael Feldman. We want to drop This American Life, with Ira Glass and that array of misfits, and replace it with Our American Life, modeled on articles from Guideposts magazine—heartwarming stories of Christian faith and efficacious prayer. And for good measure, we’d like to replace Tom and Ray and Car Talk with Dick and Rummy and War Talk. We’re confident we can line up a ton of corporate underwriters for that one. ”
“I like your thinking, Bruce. That kind of program lineup really reflects where we want the country to go. Don’t stop when you’re on a roll.”
“Mr. Chairman, there’s somebody down there at the end of the table who has been waving his hand for a while.”
“Oh, yes. Sorry, I didn’t see you there. Are you one of those holdovers from the old bipartisan board?”
“Yes, Mr. Chairman. I just wanted to say that this board was originally designed to shield public broadcasting from partisan political influence. I’m wondering if the changes you’ve made are really faithful to our founding mission, which was to ‘provide a voice for groups in the community that may otherwise be unheard,’ to serve as ‘a forum for controversy and debate,’ and to offer programs that ‘help us see America whole, in all its diversity’?”
“Good Lord, is that supposed to be our mission? I certainly appreciate your drawing that to my attention. There’s just so much to undo here that I know I overlook things sometimes. We’ll tend to that right now. Do I hear a motion to draft a new mission statement more in line with the White House’s vision? Good. Could I have a second?”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Sunday, July 17, 2005
“Spineless Democrats”
My editor had sent me to interview a college professor, and I felt out of place. “Tell me, Doc,” I began, once we were seated, “what exactly is your title here at the university?”
“I’m in the Political Biology field,” he said. “I hold the chair in Comparative Political Anatomy.”
“Hope that chair is softer than this one!” I joked. It’s always good to put the interviewee at his ease. “I expected you’d have a huge lab,” I went on, “but you seem to have mostly office space.”
“I do some lab work,” he said, “but mostly I do field biology. I study the political animal in his native habitat—legislative chambers, smoke-filled rooms, watering holes near the capital. We only use the lab when one of our subjects is pronounced politically dead. Then we bring him here and perform an autopsy on the carcass.”
“I see,” I nodded. I’ve found that if you don’t understand a word somebody said, your best bet is just to nod. “Look, the reason I’m here is that the book you just published has created quite a stir. In it you announce the discovery of a new political species, the Spineless Democrat. Finding a new species must have been quite a thrill for you.”
“It’s actually a subspecies of the Common Democrat,” he said. “There have been isolated reports of such a creature from time to time, but it’s so drab that it generally escapes notice.”
“What led you to your discovery?”
“I had been observing widespread behavior indicating the absence of a backbone—Democrats lining up to support the Patriot Act, handing the President the power to start the war, voting to cut taxes for the rich, voting for CAFTA, endorsing the Republicans’ bankruptcy bill, being bought off on that godawful energy bill, etc.--, so there were some indications where to look.”
“From your description, it sounds as if it would be tough to tell them and Republicans apart.”
“A lot of people confuse the two species; they’re almost identical. You can distinguish the Spineless Democrat by his timidity, his poor vision, and the absence of venom in his fangs.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“Well, of course the lab work was more complicated than that. Some of the specimens were gutless, some had lost their heads, some their posteriors, and some their spines, so it took awhile to sort them all out.”
“How do these spineless creatures move around? Do they scuttle like crabs, for instance, or do they crawl on their belly like a reptile?”
“That was one of the amazing things we found. They actually have an exoskeleton—an outside skeleton, covering the surface of their body—made up of starched shirts and pinstriped business suits. They’re able to remain in a vertical position for fairly long periods of time, and are surprisingly mobile.”
“So they’re often upright?” I said, jotting a note.
“No,” he said, “just vertical.”
“Is there a large population?” I asked.
“It’s fairly sizable for the time being,” he said, “but the number of Democrats holding office is declining, and we think the spineless variety may be the reason. They seem unable to reproduce. Every specimen we’ve examined so far has been sterile.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
“I’m in the Political Biology field,” he said. “I hold the chair in Comparative Political Anatomy.”
“Hope that chair is softer than this one!” I joked. It’s always good to put the interviewee at his ease. “I expected you’d have a huge lab,” I went on, “but you seem to have mostly office space.”
“I do some lab work,” he said, “but mostly I do field biology. I study the political animal in his native habitat—legislative chambers, smoke-filled rooms, watering holes near the capital. We only use the lab when one of our subjects is pronounced politically dead. Then we bring him here and perform an autopsy on the carcass.”
“I see,” I nodded. I’ve found that if you don’t understand a word somebody said, your best bet is just to nod. “Look, the reason I’m here is that the book you just published has created quite a stir. In it you announce the discovery of a new political species, the Spineless Democrat. Finding a new species must have been quite a thrill for you.”
“It’s actually a subspecies of the Common Democrat,” he said. “There have been isolated reports of such a creature from time to time, but it’s so drab that it generally escapes notice.”
“What led you to your discovery?”
“I had been observing widespread behavior indicating the absence of a backbone—Democrats lining up to support the Patriot Act, handing the President the power to start the war, voting to cut taxes for the rich, voting for CAFTA, endorsing the Republicans’ bankruptcy bill, being bought off on that godawful energy bill, etc.--, so there were some indications where to look.”
“From your description, it sounds as if it would be tough to tell them and Republicans apart.”
“A lot of people confuse the two species; they’re almost identical. You can distinguish the Spineless Democrat by his timidity, his poor vision, and the absence of venom in his fangs.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“Well, of course the lab work was more complicated than that. Some of the specimens were gutless, some had lost their heads, some their posteriors, and some their spines, so it took awhile to sort them all out.”
“How do these spineless creatures move around? Do they scuttle like crabs, for instance, or do they crawl on their belly like a reptile?”
“That was one of the amazing things we found. They actually have an exoskeleton—an outside skeleton, covering the surface of their body—made up of starched shirts and pinstriped business suits. They’re able to remain in a vertical position for fairly long periods of time, and are surprisingly mobile.”
“So they’re often upright?” I said, jotting a note.
“No,” he said, “just vertical.”
“Is there a large population?” I asked.
“It’s fairly sizable for the time being,” he said, “but the number of Democrats holding office is declining, and we think the spineless variety may be the reason. They seem unable to reproduce. Every specimen we’ve examined so far has been sterile.”
© Tony Russell, 2005
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
“A Faith-Based Press Conference”
“Good to see so many of you here in the White House chapel for our first annual faith-based press conference. I’m ready for the tough questions, so let’s get started. Who wants to go first?”
“I will, sir. Mr. President, now that we have proof that you lied repeatedly to manipulate the nation into war with Iraq, do you think it would be appropriate to ask for forgiveness for all the thousands of people who have been killed, blinded, crippled, maimed, widowed, orphaned, or otherwise harmed by your actions?”
“I’m glad you asked that. See, most people don’t understand that you have to break eggs to bake a cake. When I hit the floor beside my bed every night, I think of that cake, and pray the Lord my soul to bake. Next question?”
“Yes, sir. I wonder if I might follow up on that issue a bit. You’ve come out staunchly against abortion and stem cell research, saying that you would do everything in your power to protect life. How do you square the hundred thousand or more deaths you are directly and deliberately responsible for with what you have said is your commitment to life?”
“That’s a good question, Ted. Let me respond by asking you a question: Who let you in here? Will somebody please escort him out the door and replace him with an embedded reporter? Thanks. Somebody else?”
“Over here, sir. As you know, your administration systematically plans, carries out, and attempts to justify cruel and barbaric treatment of prisoners; it brushes off the deaths of the innocent in war as collateral damage; and it strongly supports the death penalty for a wide variety of offenses. Some people claim these actions are unthinkable for a true follower of Christ, who let himself be tortured and crucified rather that strike his enemies. Would you care to comment on that?”
“Where are these people coming from? Where are all the usual reporters, who ask me if I had a nice vacation and whether the economy is going to improve and stuff like that? I don’t know whose idea this thing was, but heads are going to roll. Yes, you over there by the window.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. The Bible speaks often of the evil of pursuing riches and worldly gain, yet you and your family throw yourselves wholeheartedly into growing ever richer. Your administration is remarkable for the extent to which it favors the rich at the expense of everyone else. How do you square your personal and political behavior with Biblical values?”
“I’m glad this is a country—and a news conference, for that matter—where we can talk about Biblical values. I used to be a doper and a drunk, but once Jesus came into my heart, I found new peace, as well as a piece of the ownership of the Texas Rangers. He has blessed me with the chance to cut some really nifty deals. See, God looks after those who look out for Him. The Golden Rule: you slap my back and I’ll slap yours. A lot of people don’t understand that.”
“Mr. President, I was wondering if it bothers you to cynically exploit the trust of decent, ordinary churchgoers, like those women in the choir in Nashville, for example?”
“I’ll have to check with my spiritual advisors on that. I’ll get back to you.”
“Mr. President! Mr. President!”
“Will you all stop waving your hands for a minute! I’m looking for that fake reporter we planted in here, and I can’t see him if you’re going to keep jumping around. Oh, there he is. Tell me, what question do you have for me today, Ed?”
“Mr. President, I wonder if it bothers a born-in-the-blood, Bible-believing Christian like yourself to be second-guessed by a bunch of atheistic progressives, Bible-burning liberals, and anti-Christ Democrats?”
“Well, praise the Lord, it’s about time. That’s the kind of fair and well-balanced question we’re looking for. Let me just say I want to make it clear right now that I don’t think every Democrat is necessarily the spawn of Satan. Some of them voted for me. On the other hand, it stands to reason that opposition to my God-driven agenda has to originate somewhere. That’s all I’ve got to say; people can draw their own conclusions.
“One more question. You there in the back row.”
“Mr. President, where do you stand on the separation of church and state?”
“Whoa, looks as if we’ve run out of time! Let’s wrap things up. Dr. Dobson, would you lead us in closing prayer?”
© Tony Russell, 2005
“I will, sir. Mr. President, now that we have proof that you lied repeatedly to manipulate the nation into war with Iraq, do you think it would be appropriate to ask for forgiveness for all the thousands of people who have been killed, blinded, crippled, maimed, widowed, orphaned, or otherwise harmed by your actions?”
“I’m glad you asked that. See, most people don’t understand that you have to break eggs to bake a cake. When I hit the floor beside my bed every night, I think of that cake, and pray the Lord my soul to bake. Next question?”
“Yes, sir. I wonder if I might follow up on that issue a bit. You’ve come out staunchly against abortion and stem cell research, saying that you would do everything in your power to protect life. How do you square the hundred thousand or more deaths you are directly and deliberately responsible for with what you have said is your commitment to life?”
“That’s a good question, Ted. Let me respond by asking you a question: Who let you in here? Will somebody please escort him out the door and replace him with an embedded reporter? Thanks. Somebody else?”
“Over here, sir. As you know, your administration systematically plans, carries out, and attempts to justify cruel and barbaric treatment of prisoners; it brushes off the deaths of the innocent in war as collateral damage; and it strongly supports the death penalty for a wide variety of offenses. Some people claim these actions are unthinkable for a true follower of Christ, who let himself be tortured and crucified rather that strike his enemies. Would you care to comment on that?”
“Where are these people coming from? Where are all the usual reporters, who ask me if I had a nice vacation and whether the economy is going to improve and stuff like that? I don’t know whose idea this thing was, but heads are going to roll. Yes, you over there by the window.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. The Bible speaks often of the evil of pursuing riches and worldly gain, yet you and your family throw yourselves wholeheartedly into growing ever richer. Your administration is remarkable for the extent to which it favors the rich at the expense of everyone else. How do you square your personal and political behavior with Biblical values?”
“I’m glad this is a country—and a news conference, for that matter—where we can talk about Biblical values. I used to be a doper and a drunk, but once Jesus came into my heart, I found new peace, as well as a piece of the ownership of the Texas Rangers. He has blessed me with the chance to cut some really nifty deals. See, God looks after those who look out for Him. The Golden Rule: you slap my back and I’ll slap yours. A lot of people don’t understand that.”
“Mr. President, I was wondering if it bothers you to cynically exploit the trust of decent, ordinary churchgoers, like those women in the choir in Nashville, for example?”
“I’ll have to check with my spiritual advisors on that. I’ll get back to you.”
“Mr. President! Mr. President!”
“Will you all stop waving your hands for a minute! I’m looking for that fake reporter we planted in here, and I can’t see him if you’re going to keep jumping around. Oh, there he is. Tell me, what question do you have for me today, Ed?”
“Mr. President, I wonder if it bothers a born-in-the-blood, Bible-believing Christian like yourself to be second-guessed by a bunch of atheistic progressives, Bible-burning liberals, and anti-Christ Democrats?”
“Well, praise the Lord, it’s about time. That’s the kind of fair and well-balanced question we’re looking for. Let me just say I want to make it clear right now that I don’t think every Democrat is necessarily the spawn of Satan. Some of them voted for me. On the other hand, it stands to reason that opposition to my God-driven agenda has to originate somewhere. That’s all I’ve got to say; people can draw their own conclusions.
“One more question. You there in the back row.”
“Mr. President, where do you stand on the separation of church and state?”
“Whoa, looks as if we’ve run out of time! Let’s wrap things up. Dr. Dobson, would you lead us in closing prayer?”
© Tony Russell, 2005
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