Tuesday, April 11, 2006

“From the Mailbag”

Ace’s Wild

Time for another question and answer session with our man Ace, OPP’s version of Dr. Laura. Let’s head right to the mailbag and see what our readers have on their minds.

* * * * * *

Q. Ace, where did your nickname come from? Is it short for “ace reporter,” a reference to your fondness for poker, or a mispronunciation?
Del McDonald ~ Chagrin Falls, Ohio

A. Mispronunciation?

* * * * * *

Q. Hey, Ace! In the run-up to the invasion of Iran, the Bush administration went through the motions of using the UN while constantly issuing threats. They insisted that they were trying to solve the problem diplomatically and that all their preparations for a military attack were just normal contingency planning. Now they’re issuing threats against Iran while using the UN as a forum. They claim that they’re trying to resolve the problem diplomatically, and insist that their preparations for a military attack—including a potential nuclear strike—are just normal contingency planning. Do I see a pattern here?
Whitney McKenzie, Palo Alto, California

A. I’m trying to avoid that mindset, Whitney. Save the patterns for wallpaper, not newspaper.

* * * * * *

Q. Dear Answer Man: According to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, the president, in his role as commander-in-chief, can do anything he wants in time of war. The president has also said that the war against terrorism will last into the foreseeable future. Putting two and two together, I keep coming up with 666. Is my math correct?
Donna Aprilla ~ Sacramento, California

A. My calculator says “4,” Donna, but I never studied the new math.

* * * * * *

Q. Dear Sir: As a committed Christian, I am having a hard time deciding which is worse—having oral sex with someone who is not your wife and then lying about it, or lying in order to launch an invasion which results in the deaths of over 100,000 people. They both involve lying. Can you help me resolve this moral dilemma?
Ralph Lowbody ~ Ashland, Kentucky

A. When did they have you committed?

* * * * * *

Q. Ace — The president said he would fire anyone in his administration who was involved in leaking the information intended to discredit Joseph Wilson. Now it turns out that Mr. Bush gave Dick Cheney the go-ahead to leak the information. I don’t understand how this would work; can the president fire himself?
Leroy Heim ~ Madison, Wisconsin

A. Leroy, do you remember the myth where the snake opens its mouth and swallows its tail?

* * * * * *

Q. Sir: According to a story in last week’s issue of our local newspaper, the rock strata exposed during highway construction in this area are mostly Devonian and 370 million years old. How can a world that’s only six thousand years old contain rocks that are 370 million years old? Please explain this for my seven-year-old daughter in terms of simple theological geology. Thank you for your assistance.
Wanda Pepper ~ Monroe, Louisiana

A. See previous question and answer.

* * * * * *

Q. Congress seems to be having a tough time putting together an immigration bill that everyone can agree on. As far as I can tell, you have members who variously
· Want to make all the little brown-skinned Spanish-speakers go away
· Want to maintain a steady supply of cheap labor that can be paid under the table
· Want to exploit people’s paranoia about security
· Want to criminalize good deeds
· Want to keep hard-working young people coming to fund their Social Security checks
· Want to lay the foundation for a Latino voting bloc
There may be some idealism tucked away somewhere in there, but basically, it’s a grab bag of ugly motives. What kind of compromise would you suggest?
Dan McLaughlin, Waycross, Georgia

A. Let’s think outside the box, Dan: Would Mexico be willing to annex the U.S.?

* * * * * *

Q. Ace. The administration has promised a shake up of its staff. The obvious first step would be to dump a deeply unpopular vice president whose approval rating has plummeted to 18%. So why is he still around?
Marvin Stern ~ Utica, New York

A. Cheap impeachment insurance.

* * * * * *

No question about it; we’re scraping bottom. Readers, keep your questions coming. Patty, put a cold one in the fridge, I’m heading out the door.

© Tony Russell, 2006

No comments: