“A Large Number of Unknowns”

BUSH YIELDS TO DEMAND FOR CONTINUITY IN WAR EFFORT

Washington, April 3 –

The White House announced today that President Bush has decided to extend his term in office until the war on terrorism has been won. The war is currently being waged against an unidentified number of terrorists in an undisclosed number of countries to achieve unspecified goals at an indeterminate time.

The large number of unknowns involved has encouraged Congress to write an endless number of blank checks for hundreds of billions of dollars, since, as Sen. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn) put it, “With that many unknowns, you don’t want to tie the administration’s hands.”

Provisions in the Constitution for periodic elections and term limits are being suspended, said the announcement, until the war on terrorism has been brought to a successful conclusion. “Successful conclusion” was undefined.

The president’s decision, which has long been expected, will not require approval by Congress, said the announcement, since the president’s powers are unlimited when he is acting as Commander-in-Chief in time of war. “God bless America,” the announcement concluded. “Let freedom ring.”

Congressional Republicans hailed the news. “With our alliances in tatters, Iraq going to hell in a handbasket, the Taliban revived in Afghanistan, the entire Middle East threatening to explode in sectarian chaos, and the budget in free fall, we need someone with President Bush’s nerve and experience to see this thing out,” said Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA).

When Sen. Russ Feingold (D-Wisc) pointed out that all of these situations were actually created by the current administration, he was roundly denounced not only by Republicans, but by members of his own party, who argue that it is not the role of the opposition to oppose the party in power. “Snakes and worms keep a low profile,” cautioned one party veteran.

© Tony Russell, 2006