"A Mistake in Your Paperwork"

“Next case, please.”

“Here I am, Your Honor.”

“According to the information before Me, you’re here to appeal My original decision. Is that correct?”

“Yes, Your Honor. There must have been a mistake in Your paperwork. I’ll admit I wasn’t perfect, but I worked hard at carrying out Your wishes. Damned hard, as it turns out.”

“We haven’t made a mistake yet, but We’re certainly willing to hear your testimony. You may proceed.”

“Thank you, Your Honor. First off, I diligently carried out Your anti-homosexual program. I have to say, I made their lives miserable, exactly as You desired. Can You believe they wanted to work, marry, have health insurance, work with kids, teach, all that kind of thing, just like normal human beings made in Your image? My efforts to defeat their ‘gay agenda’ apparently weren’t included in your accounts.”

(Paging through the folder in front of Him) “We find extensive documentation for those activities on pages six through forty-eight of your file.”

“Is that right? I thought my zeal in this matter would carry a lot of weight in Your decision.”

“It was a factor. Is there more?”

“Yes, Your Honor. I want you to know that I strongly supported the holy war against Islam.”

“I have it right here in front of me. Over a million Iraqis dead, all told, the majority of them children, and more than two million displaced refugees, barely managing to survive.”

“Gee, You had that too? I can’t take credit for all of them, but I was proud to play my part. I would have thought those numbers alone might sway Your judgment.”

“Again, they were a factor. Are there other ‘good deeds’ you wish to draw to Our attention?”

“I chased wealth so that other people viewing my prosperity could see how You bless Your followers. I had a large house, a big SUV, closets full of clothes, a snowmobile, a jet boat, and a motor home. I want you to know I enjoyed every one of them. Thanks for all the neat stuff!”

(Scanning file) “I can’t find any record that We made those shipments to you.”

(Surprised) “The Devil you say! I wonder where they came from?”

“Is there anything else you’d like to add, before We rule on your appeal?”

(Pulls out his notes) “I have a few more things to add, Your Honor. I subjugated my wife, as per your written instructions. And that was a toughie. She didn’t give in without a fight.”

“She has already spoken with Me about that a number of times.”

“I made sure my kids understood that this nonsense about Your taking 4.54 billion years to create Earth as we know it robs the world of its wonder. What’s impressive about that? Doing the job in less than a week a few thousand years ago--that’s what really rocks. So to speak. No reference to the decay of long-lived radioactive isotopes in so-called ‘ancient rocks’ intended, Your Honor.”

(Unable to suppress a groan, mutters, “God-in-a-box, everywhere We turn.”) “Tell me, are you familiar with the phrase ‘The road to Hell is paved with good intentions’?”

(Defendant gulps) “That sounds ominous, Your Honor. Does that mean...?”

“No. We have decided to remand you to Our Work/Study program. You have fifty years to pull up those paving stones.”

“God Bless You, Your Honor. I mean, Bless Yourself. I mean.... I’m eternally grateful. Or will be. You know what I mean?”

“Of course. Next case, please.”

© Tony Russell, 2008